running with scissors

I am in a strange place right now in my life. I'm not sure where to start or how to put them in words. The matters on my mind are all jumbled up, I need some clarity. The revival of this blog is supposed to help me with that, but I am too consumed in my own negative thoughts that I feel like it's going to end up looking exactly how it was seven years ago.

Maybe I need my blogger friends again. I need my old, small writing circle back. 

OMG. Assalamualaikum. It's been a hot minute since I last visited this dusty blog! Truth be told, I'm here because of my students. Not UiTM students nor Geomatika, but ASIQS students (I don't think I have ever written about Geomatika though but oh well). Yes, last time I was here, I was in Kuala Pilah teaching fresh graduates English. Right now, I'm back in my hometown of Shah Alam, teaching high school kids; something I told myself I would not venture into. But that is Allah's current plan for me and I think it's alright. Still getting the hang of it, despite already being here for *coughs* 3 years *coughs*. My kids were assigned to create a blog on their own, and you bet your butt that every cell in my body perked up. Blogging? Writing online? What? That's what I love! Or loved, I'm not sure yet. What I know is, this move made by my colleague on them revived something in me that I had left far behind, but I feel like I am ready to embrace again. This was my space that I shared with friends, family, and anybody who actually liked reading the crap I posted. I feel like little old 23 year-old Nashrah again, writing about her wants and needs and thoughts and not caring what people think. But 7 years is a long time, and to be honest, not a lot of old me remains. I've changed quite a bit. 

I have a husband and a son now. Writing it here looks so bizarre when you compare it with my old posts of heartbreaks, longing, and wondering when will I ever get married. It's a small blow to the stomach BUT hilarious at the same time to think how innocent I was about the whole idea. I'm still learning about everything and anything, and living it as I go.

I still love literature, but academically, I did not survive. I guess you could say research isn't my forte. The whole debacle still brings me down (okay breaks my heart is more like it) but I have tried my best to move on. Physically was easy, mentally was not. My friends made it though, and I am extremely happy and proud of them. It just was not meant for me. Perhaps in the future, and in another field. 

Anyway, good things are coming, and I am excited. I just pray God grants me the strength to actually endure it, because there are lots on my plate right now. And that will be in another post, written at another time, possibly soon..or not. We shall see. Toodles!

As of right now, I do not have any positive thing to say or even harbour positive thoughts. I feel guilty to even think of ranting here on my beloved blog, because it used to come from a place full of love. The only social networking site that I feel like I can take a breather is Tumblr because it encompasses strangers and lovely images that are from my wildest dreams. Do not get me wrong; I live and breathe familiarity. As much as I try to be adventurous, or appear to be trying, I want something that I can fall back on but sadly I confess, Blogger's no longer my home. Maybe it will be, maybe this is just one of the many hiatuses I've had, but for now, I'd have to bid Goodbye.

So, Goodbye. 

Assalamualaikum. It's been a while since I've written something here. I visit my blog every day actually, solely to check on my friends' updates and stare at my previous posts. I haven't felt so good about myself and others and even life of late to write something good to be read. But I feel like writing something tonight because, get this, I'm prepping my fingers and thoughts to write my own recommendation letter har har. I haven't written in a long time, and haven't been practicing too so Running With Scissors is a start. 

Recommendation letter for what you wonder? Well, I'm trying my luck in applying for a Masters degree in English Lit at IIUM. Why English Literature and not other courses? I love it and during the five years of my bachelor's degree, nothing has ever made me so happy and vibrant in class like Literature did. I beamed, I ooh-ed and aah-ed because the subject was wonderful and it made me feel alive. Yea, a wee bit of an exaggeration there but it is true. 

Why IIUM? My sister is currently studying there so I've had my fair share of visiting and observing the place. I honestly think it is interesting, totally different from UiTM and I feel like it has so much to offer me, to feed my hunger of...what I have missed and of life. And yes, I'm not getting any younger so to be placed in an Islamic-based institution can help me a lot in terms of putting and ensuring my feet and head are on the ground. 

So please make doa for me, hopefully I'll get accepted.

Oh I'm going back to Pilah next week. Something that I'm not looking forward to but I need to be paid and priceless experience need to be gained. Just three months and I'll be back in Shah Alam. *"Chinning" up.*

Watched The Notebook for the umpteenth time tonight and cried incessantly like always. Ryan and Rachel make their love story so real, that you can just feel the pain, the love. Just weeks ago, I watched Ryan in Crazy Stupid Love and he has changed tremendously. He's buffer and more handsome even. It's no surprise since The Notebook was released 7 years ago. And I still somehow have hope, though I know it won't happen, for Ryan and Rachel to get back together. The reason why the tearjerker movie struck a deep chord with me is because I've been in Allie's shoes. And it was no picnic. But that was then and I was young and dumb. Now I'm crazily, "smartly" in love.

"Aku pulang tanpa dendam

Ku terima kekalahanku

Aku pulang tanpa dendam

Ku salutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia, kau ajarkan aku derita

Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia, kau tunjukkan aku derita

Kau berikan aku bahagia, kau berikan aku derita."

"I will never forget what you said, until the day I know I've made it."

I hardly do things to please people but this is something I can't let go. And in a way, I'm doing it to prove to myself too, to satisfy my personal goals. InsyaAllah, I'll show you just what I'm made of. 

I love to recite the Quran. It used to be an "activity" I do to strengthen my faith, but now I'm in the process of making it my "hobby" and "habit". I do it daily now, every time after Maghrib prayers. Probably soon, I will try to read and understand what the verses mean rather than just reciting them. May He guide me to ensure I do not stop.

My aunt whom I'm not so close to, passed away on Monday. She was only 49. I didn't get to see her this previous Raya and I haven't figured out why. And it's sad how I don't remember the last time I saw her. Her passing away at such a young age made me think a lot; about my family and life. We're not guaranteed to live forever you know? So we can possibly die at any time, if He makes it so. I didn't get to go home last weekend because I had invigilation on Sunday and that kind of brought the whole week down. I miss my family. This weekend I've no work obligations so you should know already where I'll be headed. Hope you guys are all in the pink of health.

p.s: Such a small world we live in. The son of my aunt, who is my cousin is actually Moja's best friend. He's lucky to have a reliable and caring friend at such a hard time. 

From Tumblr