I am in a strange place right now in my life. I'm not sure where to start or how to put them in words. The matters on my mind are all jumbled up, I need some clarity. The revival of this blog is supposed to help me with that, but I am too consumed in my own negative thoughts that I feel like it's going to end up looking exactly how it was seven years ago.
Maybe I need my blogger friends again. I need my old, small writing circle back.
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
I try my best most of the time to not depend emotionally on anyone, because I believe that whatever we do, we will be alone in the end, and when you're alone, logically you only have you and no one else. So better start prepping yourself now right? Regardless of my family, my friends and Amer, I really don't. You want to know why?
Because I'm afraid of being disappointed. A person may or may not know that they have done something to you, so rather than making them bear the feeling of guilt, it is better for me to adjust my thoughts and feelings first. I am not saying that my family and friends aren't wonderful; they are and they can never be replaced but they are not perfect. They are normal human beings. They could tease you, hurt you, ignore you, forget you and I don't think my little beat up heart can take all of that. Probably some of you may not agree with me, but I do know what I'm talking about.
If I am sad, let me pick myself up again (there are always comedies that can be downloaded, funny videos on youtube, my cats, etc). If I am angry, I'll cool down using my own unique ways (gobble down everything in sight, sleep, pray, etc). If I am happy, I'll spread it around (this part, you don't have to worry). This is for future preparation, a step for me to be fully independent I think. I might be wrong but I'll test this for its validity and reliability, and I'll let you know if it works.
This may portray me as a lonely person (I do agree to this to some degree, but I kinda like it that way) and I don't mind, because this promises no hurting, no fighting, no sorts of negativity involved. And you may say I'm inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert but noo, she ends up with someone anyway in the end and I just feel like whatever man, wasted two hours watching the movie and ending up getting a guy, like it's something new and compelling.
Whatever it is, I'll test this and the result will be measured using the Happy scale. 1 indicating it isn't working, better go back to how you were before, and 10 I'm immensely happy and I'll never look back.
I have no idea what I want at this point of time. Absolutely no idea. I'm like a robot; I finish my tasks because they are what they are and if I don't complete them on time, I basically will not graduate. But my goals and vision and wants and needs are blurry. Maybe I need night vision goggles.
Currently I feel like James Marsden in 27 Dresses and Matthew Goode in Leap Year. Why don't I feel like the female lead? The one who's desperately in love with her boss (or anyone relevant) or the one who travels to a foreign country to propose to her boyfriend based on a romantic Irish tradition. Where is my hopeless romantic side? Maybe in another life, I should have been a guy. Or maybe, I'm unconsciously turning into a realist. I really hope this is just a phase, I do.
p.s: But I must admit, this feeling is refreshing.
Two years ago, nearing the ending of March, I was liberated and these songs were my anthem.
Saje nak relive balik, bukan mahu mengungkit. Because that particular period of my life was so, so epic. I became brave, was holding my own and once I escaped, good things came to me and I couldn't thank God more. Received my first ever Dean's list award, became Ethos! vice president, stumbled on a wonderful person, and the best of all, I got myself back.
Can someone be in love yet, is cynical towards it? Seems unlikely.. till you meet me. A living, breathing example.
Or am I just really a bitter person inside? I hate knowing how love can make you blind, make you do the most stupid things, tear your heart, and still be one of the best feelings you could ever experience. Perhaps, I'm being unkind to love. Perhaps, the thing I detest is on the matter of romance and relationships. Man, how can people get married, or are dreaming to? Because honestly, I don't see myself bowing my head in shyness upon listening to the man during solemnization anytime soon. Maybe the time will come, maybe it won't. Right now for sure, I'm not holding my breath waiting for it.
Tabik spring lah to anyone yang nak kahwin sangat/ dah kahwin.
No matter how much you love a person and you trust them, and the promise of being faithful, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, in joy and sorrow is commemorated in some way, what I have taught (and train) myself based on experience is to never depend solely on them.
In whatever circumstance you find yourself in, you would have to stand on your own, dust yourself off and amend it, without hoping for help from others. Cat died? Computer died? You fell down the stairs? A friend lies, or messes up things with you?Well, boohoo, that's life. (A sentence I have embedded in my head)
The most the person can do is to give advice, help, crack jokes, buy ice cream, make you feel a teeny bit better etc. But does he or she control your mind, your feelings? No. You do. You get my point here?
Why am I doing assignments on a Friday night? Oh yes, I'm in Part 8, the semester where students suffocate.
Aina must be waiting for me... (her turn in compiling our work.)
Early day tomorrow.. someone will need to wake me up..
I miss my parents, my baby sister and my grandpa. I wonder how they're doing. My mum said it rained cats and dogs for two days in Mecca, and my dad and my grandpa have blisters on their feet from the cold. This news however, was passed around by my aunt. Looks like my Mum has been keeping things from me.. The only thing I hear from her is "everything's okay and peachy here". Ma, I can handle not so good news you know..
Bummed that I didn't have the chance to bring my sister to a new dining place Aina introduced to me last week. The rain just now was so bad and the road was hardly visible. Next time I guess :(
My younger sister is coming home tomorrow but because of the seminar I'm going to attend, she has to wait a while for me to pick her up. Sorry :(
My kakak and my younger sister are going to the Super Junior concert tomorrow night. I'm already wondering what I should do home alone.
To dry your hair by sitting in front of a fan and start to imagine you're in a music video.
To be reminded that you are loved, always.
To have that last piece of food, any food.
To watch an oh-so-cute kitten rolling around and falling asleep.
Exchanging banter with your father and sister.
To cry in your doa after praying. Haven't felt so close to Him in quite awhile.
To have people evaluate your presentation and to find out that most of them are encouraging and positive.
Laughing at and with your sister for screaming like crazy as if she saw a ghost when she really saw a tiny, innocent frog.
To eat ice-cream after meals.
To have the ice-cream containing only 60 calories, so no guilt trips.
To see a Poslaju package after a long day of studying/ assignments.
To see smiles of friends.
The victorious feeling after completing an assignment.
To catch someone looking at you/ checking you out.
To laugh with your Atuk over silly people on tv.
To discover you half-memorized the Yaasin after two years of reciting them every week because you know what verse comes after the other, though not often.
To actually have the time to recite the Quran after Maghrib prayers.
To continue a friendship you once thought was no longer going to work. A decade of knowing each other's secrets, highs and lows isn't something so easy to forget or ignore. I am so glad we're talking again. Really, I am.
Wouldn't it be nice, to grab a hand of somebody you really, really want, and say these words, and to have them nod or say "Okay" or the cliched but a winner of hearts, "I thought you'd never ask" and actually run towards.. whatever your dream is.. together and intact.
I will always be dreamy, I will always imagine myself in a whole other place where there's only peace and happiness, I will always seek for something good for me. I will always be this; a dreamer of all sorts.
I wish I had something intelligent to share but I currently don't. My life as of now, is pretty blah.. So I'm just going to talk about.. random things!
I wish I had the patience of Anne Sullivan when she taught Helen Keller, as a teacher/ lecturer, (future) mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc.
The thoughts of assignments never leave my head. Maybe only when I sleep, and that's it. My mind's gone wonky at this point.
But the thought of hanging out with one of my girls this Friday, my sisters and Maher Zain on Sat nite, my paternal family to celebrate my grandparents' birthday puts a huge grin on my face.
I miss my paternal grandparents. Didn't have the chance to see them last week.
A probable outing to Tutti Frutti again. I eat a cup almost every weekend. Seriously, I am truly happy they set up one branch here. Though I realized after a few sittings that a cup cost so much more than one scoop of Baskin's. Well, at least they're nutritious.
I miss having Amer around on Facebook. He deactivated his account to concentrate on assignments, and I do support his action through and through but the social networking site is getting duller by the day.
I am close to graduating and yet, high school-like issues still roam around freely like I never left it. Kita sudah besar ye kawan-kawan.
My friend made me realize that an issue I got involved in was like an episode of Gossip Girl. Complicated and juicy. You got that right!
Jika anda pernah baca post-post saya yang berusia dua tahun lepas, anda akan merasa bahawa saya ini boleh menjadi orang yang sangat terbuka untuk bercerita kisah sendiri. Tetapi, setelah melalui peristiwa pahit lagi payau, saya enggan lagi menjadi seorang yang terlalu terbuka. Walau bagaimanapun, ada suatu kejadian yang membuat saya sungguh marah macam singa betina. Suatu perkara yang tidak sepatutnya diketahui oleh siapa-siapa tetapi sampai juga ke telinga saya.
Saya benci orang yang main kayu tiga. Note the word "benci". Bukan "tak suka, tak berkenan" tetapi "benci". Sampai sekarang saya tak faham kenapa orang nak berbuat sedemikian. Hello, kalau kau tak boleh dengan seorang shj, siapa suruh commit? Tiada siapa pun yang paksa, tiada siapa menghalang. Selagi belum kahwin, pergilah kau berfoya-foya. Okay that sounds a teeny bit wrong, and sleazy, but this is solely directed to guys who cheat on their girlfriends. Honestly, I do not see the point of cheating.
Eh kalau kau tak tahan sangat, BREAK AJE LA. Dari kau lead her on, baik break up. Yeah, it'll hurt her, but at least you do not keep on lying. Quite easy to execute (for a scumbag like you) from how I see it.
Oh, probably kau suka eh perempuan adore kau? You really think girls are that easy? Ya Allah, aku nak kau fikir balik baik-baik. Sebab apa tau? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and perempuan zaman era modern serba canggih ini sangat lain. She may be head over heels with you, she may be blind now, but I swear, in the most subtle ways (sebab-sebab tertentu kena subtle), I will get inside her head and make sure she gets the hint (please dear God). Life is so much more than devoting oneself to a boyfriend. A dickhead of a boyfriend. I SWEAR I will make her see that.
"'Forgive and forget', that's what they say. It's good advice but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back; when someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled, old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is one day we'll be lucky enough to forget."
One thing I've noticed on my FeedJit thingamajig down there (which I personally think has little purpose but it's fun to know which country my visitors come from) is that my blog posts in March last year are almost always among the highest hits. So out of curiosity, I checked them out to see what's the fuss about. I do clearly remember significant events that happened that time but they were not good ones so that couldn't possibly be it..
I read each one and found the answer. There were two posts which I posted a lot of celebrity pictures; hence my blog would probably come out in their Google search of that certain celebrity. But other than finding my answer, I found something else that's interesting. There's a post where I mentioned Amer and we weren't together at the time. Okay I know this doesn't matter much, but I find it funny! Fate does work in strange ways. Here's an excerpt: (okay actually the whole post)
"Alhamdulillah, today's Bel meeting went well. Really well, as Mdm Marina said we were all good. "Improved a lot from the first meeting. I've nothing else to comment," she said, with a smile on her face. Yeay for us eight!
Thank you guys; Aint no Ruqqie yaw, Nasty Nadia, Aina Banana, Mary Celery, Yana Boleh, Far Inspirasi, and Mr. Nabil, for all the help, your sacrifices and the constructive criticisms and comments. It was nerve-wrecking but we've made it!
Yes yes I know, you're probably thinking, Ala meeting Bel je pun, but it really meant something to me.
Oh and Gamelan test went well too! I was practically the last one! hahaha but it helped because I wasn't so nervous. Though Amir and the boys just had to stay and watch. takpe takpe. hehe
Today made me a whole lot better since Monday. But honestly, these two happy events couldn't quite redeem the bad grade I got for my Literature paper. Oh Mr. Kieran, why why whyyyyyy?
hmph. :("
Hahahaha see? I even wrote his name with an "i", not "e" like I do now. Yeah, detik-detik permulaan bermula dengan kelas gamelan. And I initially didn't even think of joining! I was so sure to join Taekwondo, but changed my mind at the last minute. Tengok-tengok, dia pun join juga. And the rest is history :p
However, re-reading my March '09 posts doesn't exactly bring back fond memories. I clearly remember what happened during this month and to be honest, I live everyday trying to forget it. But I don't think about it so much anymore, because I am happy now and I think I will be for some time. I have some tips to share with you, and I haven't shared any in a looong time. Specially inspired by this post.
If you are with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself (regardless a friend or a boyfriend/ girlfriend), who makes you do things you don't want to, please please please do not think think twice of walking away. He/ she is not worth your time.
If you find it hard to do so, and start to blame yourself for the things you are not at fault, STOP THINKING AND JUST LEAVE. That person is slowly succeeding in emotionally abusing you.
If you're hurt, think of it as a good hurt. Like ripping off a band-aid (Eustace from Narnia told us this).
If he or she starts to beg and make promises, but hardly ever keep it, do not give them the benefit of the doubt because THEIR PROMISES ARE JUST LIES. They do it once, twice, thrice, and I am positive they will do it again. And if you're weak, you'll just stay and take the heat.
If you find something/ someone who your heart says is sincere, is kind, don't be scared to take that leap of faith. How do you know this? You'll just know.
If you have doubts in someone from the get-go, do not proceed. Slowly take a step back and walk the other way. You won't lose anything.
Emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuses should not be experienced by anyone, especially not intelligent, vivacious girls who become weak and stupid because of ill-treatment by irresponsible people. It happened to me, and I can't let this happen to anyone, especially my family and friends.
Looking back at my old posts makes me feel like I've really changed. I don't write much on personal emotions anymore. I've tried to be distant in my posts as I possibly can and I think I've done it. But honestly, I don't feel like this blog is truly "me" of late. I'll try to make it "me" as possible, so that I don't feel like reading a stranger's blog. But it sure does evoke something in myself, retracing my steps here in Runningwithscissors tonight, because I think I've just shared with you the worst period of my life. And that my readers, has pretty much left me feeling naked. And so out there. And I am a very shy person. So...goodnight. Salam!
