I remember this moment. Was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. The traffic, the urge to reach home early, the fatigue from 6 hours of brain racking, dealing with people; young and old. However, the most vivid of all were feeling weary on the thought that I was about to leave my students behind that Friday, contrasted with anticipation over the final week of teaching. It was such a bitter pill for me to swallow. Miss you kids. :(
Shoes. Glorious shoes. It's almost a fact, no more a fad, when it is said that one can never have too many shoes. It's even more true now, when there's so many types of them! Flats, heels, wedges, espadrilles, oxfords, brogues, loafers, sandals, just to name a few. Now it isn't only applicable to women; men have joined the hype as well. I just adore and love seeing them; I swear they make my heart do little cartwheels every time...
I have a presentation tomorrow and here I am, talking about shoes. Got to go prepare! It's been too long a time. The sweaty palms prior to presenting time, the lecturer's expectations to be met, hoping and praying not to blab incessantly. Oh joys of being a student again, I have missed. Good luck to all Teslians part 7 on your post practicum!
24 more days. Why do I feel like some students are still so alien to me? Must. get. to. know. them. more. than. better. Even if it means I'm up to my knees. PRONTO.
Dugaan-dugaan yang saya hadapi di bulan yang mulia ini (so far).
Perasaan rindu yang teramat sangat kepada adik-adik saya yang tak begitu jauh tapi rasa sangat sunyi tanpa mereka di rumah ini. Seorang di UIA, Gombak dan lagi seorang di Section 3, Shah Alam. Yes, Section 3. Tapi boleh kira guna jari sahaja berapa kali kami berjumpa. Sedih. Rindu dekat nenek juga. Entah mengapa. Saya fikir perasaan tabah akan lama-lama mengaburi perasaan rindu dekat nenek kerana sudah dua tahun meninggalkan keluarga tapi rupa-rupanya tidak. Teramat sunyi. Tiada lagi kedengaran suaranya, tiada lagi bau nya, tiada lagi gelak ketawa nya, tiada lagi alunan suara mengaji nya di waktu sahur.
Selalunya hari Rabu dan Khamis, di antara waktu double period 1L and 2A saya ada gap solat Zohor. Namun, sejak mulanya bulan puasa, waktu sekolah sudah dianjakkan ke pukul 12.40 tengah hari. Waktu solat sudah dimasukkan slot nya di dalam P&P 2A saya. Maka, double period menjadi single kerana mereka mengambil masa setengah jam untuk menunaikan solat. (sebenarnya 20 minit sahaja tetapi murid-murid saya begitu slow jalannya.)
Dan kerana tiada lagi gap waktu Zohor, saya dari 1L yang berada di tingkat atas sekali harus lekas berlari menuju ke 2A, kelas di tingkat bawah sekali. Tercungap-cungap jugak lah. Dengan handbag di satu bahu, tangan penuh dengan bermacam-macam kertas; mahjung, worksheets, etc. Perjalanan itu mengambil masa 5-8 minit. Mula-mula saya minta maaf juga kepada murid-murid saya kerana lambat. Tapi selepas itu, saya anggap mereka faham-faham sahaja lah.
Semalam mentor dan supervisor masuk ke kelas 1L dan 2A (respectively) untuk lihat saya mengajar. Alhamdulillah, tiada kesilapan yang saya lakukan, dan P&P was okay. Tetapi supervisor saya boleh "sense" yang saya tak happy. Inilah padahnya apabila terlebih mencurahkan perasaan ke dalam journal. Honestly, saya tak over pun. Cuma menulis pasal murid-murid tak dengar cakap, tak hantar homework, disrespectful, etc. Maybe kerana berpengalaman, dia tahu isi tersirat di situ. Saya pun terkantoi lah. Lalu, saya beritahu dia bahawa saya tak jumpa lagi "pemangkin" di sekolah. Saya cepat demotivated, dan saya malas nak "deal" dengan perangai budak hingusan. Dia kata "oh tak boleh camtu. I want to see how you react to situations that force you to deal with the problem spot-on." Saya pun cakap kepada diri sendiri, baiklah, saya kan cuba menjadi lebih berani dalam menghadapi sikap murid-murid yang seperti meminta free kick and slap setiap hari.
Apparently, supervisor tau saya bersama Amer and the fact that he's no longer here. Ya Allah, malunya diriku masa itu. Saya terus mencelah, "oh no no Miss, personally I'm okay. Only on things regarding school huu.." Cover baik punya.
Tapi it got me thinking. Mana tau Miss was right. My lack of motivation is caused by me missing a whole lot of people and that it brings me down. Tapi hellooooo, takkan nak mengaku dekat supervisor huhu.
Tuhan nak uji kerana Dia tahu saya boleh melalui nya. Ya Allah, kalau betul, aku sahut cabaranMu dan cuba menghadapi nya dengan hati yang tenang. Amin.
"Berderau darah". Do you know the saying? Well, today I finally understood what it really means. I felt it in my bones. It happened on two occasions. First, students acting out and being annoying, forcing me to refrain myself, with all the patience that I have not to burst into a hissy fit. I even tried my best to stop my body from shaking with anger. You can never let the students know you're vulnerable enough to be hurt by them. Second, a student whose hormones were obviously raging, made very dumb comments and sounds, and even physically grazed me. That one didn't go unharmed. Received hard smacks and excessive yelling and derisive taunts from me. Yes, when I'm mad, not only will I yell but I will mock you and make really, really sarcastic, tangkap leleh punya comments like nobody's business. Plus, I told the boy I was married and if he continues with his behaviour, Imma call my hubby and let him smack you instead. Then only the boy stopped and walked away. Kids nowadays. Unbelievable.
But then again, what's life without a little brouhaha right? NOT.
Losing an important figure in your life; a father, is never easy to handle. It is even more daunting for a 13 year-old. Specifically, one of my drama students, Rudy. Received a phone call this morning, and his usual cheerful voice was of sad and somehow, lifeless tone. Gave me the news, and also adding several too. He probably has to move to his kampung because of his mother's wishes, which means transferring into a different school which means I might not see him again. Might not see his smile, him playing with his friends or him calling for me from afar. I hope he'll stay, even if I only have a little over a month left at that school. But what I hope most is that he can go through this with all the 13 years of wisdom, patience and intelligence that he has. For those of you who are reading this, please do pray for my student and his family. Thank you.
School's hustle and bustle has made me looking something like this during Maghrib hours. Can't help myself, I get too exhausted. I know it's bad though, so don't follow suit. The drive home from TTDI to Section 11 is always done in a hurried manner as I think about what awaits me at home. Truly fills my head and heart with tremendous joy. My ever loyal bed and stuffed animal. (Yeah I have a stuffed animal and it's a duck. A cute duck. :p)
Gotta continue writing my lesson plans. Have no idea why my eyes are still wide open at this hour but thank God for making them so.
A babel of Bahasa Melayu, Tamil and Mandarin is what I hear every time I enter 1L. And you know what? Frankly speaking, it's growing on me. I guess I understand why they would suddenly tune down or up because they are interrupted by this person who comes out of nowhere and speaks a foreign language, foreign to them unfortunately but not to us. I understand why they speak so slowly when asked to answer questions. I am completely attuned to why they find it hard to listen because they simply do not understand. The past tense of "go" becomes "goes", "can" becomes "can't". And my job is to make them understand and love, or like at they very least what and how I teach, in the remaining 9 weeks. But what I really want is for them to like me. Genuinely, ardently.
Now who says teaching is easy can literally shove a foot in their mouths.
In a week, especially currently, I treasure my Tuesday nights the most. Why? Because I have no classes to teach on Wednesday. And because I will bring my 2A to the SAL room tomorrow to continue watching "The Phantom of The Opera" ( they've watched it half way) since I've finished teaching all the 10 chapters, and my 1L to the library for Nilam, I'm sorta free tonight to blog. I've missed you Running With Scissors! I think I will blog occasionally from now on and not consistently like I used to. Boohoo huhu. :/
My 1L still has not improved. In terms of behaviour that is. And I am tired of yelling and hurting my throat every single lesson. But I learned something today as well. To shut them up, I will only have to lift my pen and write their names on the BKK Form. Their faces would get magically tensed and they would slowly walk to my table and take a peek at the form. They are scared. But I feel like saying, "So what? Awak buat bising, cikgu suruh senyap, tak nak, so padan muka." But of course, I don't. I would just smile. Isn't that what patient teachers do? Yeah.
My 2A on the other hand, gets more cheeky every day but I love it when they get all shy and would look down whenever I call their names to ask "Yes, do you have something to share?" to shush them out. Them kids. They're still so innocent, though they think they have seen and know the world.
When I came to school in the morning today and saw the students in the morning session, I felt dubiously different. I've taught and only met 13 and 14 year olds for four weeks, so to come across kids around 16 and 17 years of age was sort of a culture shock for a moment. I asked this boy of 4C his purpose of being at Foyer B because my students were supposed to rehearse their choral speaking there, and with a deep voice, he said "Oh we have drama practice." That deep, obviously post-puberty voice kinda startled me a little. Then I saw a bunch of boys messing with one of their friends and the thought that crossed my mind was "Ugh so immature. Diorg igt cool ke buat camtu." And then it hit me why I was dying to get out of school once upon a time ago. Though time is moving rapidly, people surprisingly do not change. Under my breath, I muttered "Ugh I am so over high school." And yet, I am there. I am doing my practicum in an academic institution, specifically a high school, in a span of 3 months. How in the world did I get here?
Thanks to my mother for buying Maher Zain's cd and playing it nonstop in the car.
Here's one for us, Part 7 TESL students who I know are experiencing practicum and the perks (maybe not, to some of us) that come along with it. Bratty, naughty, playful, rude but can somehow transform into lovable, adorable, cute, nice students. Well my friends, like it or not, in denial or not, we used to be those kids -_-
InshaAllah by Maher Zain soothes my nerves and makes me feel that these 3 months will be smooth sailing if we strive hard and at the same time, appeal to Him.
...and this one's my sister's favourite. She says it is especially for newlyweds. Okay another wajib song at my wedding hahah!
Yes he is a fictional character and teaches Spanish and conducts the Glee Club but he's a teacher. I will without any shame, associate myself with any teacher there is, be it fact or fiction and learn a thing or two. I truly believe this will help to motivate yours truly and to have a little bit of fun in the academic world. Thank you. Plus, he's cute. hehehehe.
p.s: Selingan Glee. I don't know about you guys, but though Puck and Finn are cute, I find myself wishing I'm Emma. Ok thank you.
First week of practicum has made me realized a few things. I'm sure all of us already know it, but hardly acknowledge the facts. Teaching;
is not easy. You are responsible in shaping young, innocent minds. Whatever you say, do, believe in will either help or destruct their way of thinking. Like a chemist working with a variety of chemicals and solutions, concentrating hard to mix the right ones together to produce the right formula, I see the job is similar to a teacher's. You have to think of ways on how to make them understand what you are talking about and make sure that they fully understand it, to perform well in class and later, life.
requires lots of patience. Lots and lots of it. A sore throat resulting from a relief class is still okay, and is not something you should be stressed about.
is fun. Well I haven't started yet, but as eager of them to play mini foosball in class, you are sure you can make them eager to learn as well.
gives you the opportunity to spread love. Oodles and oodles of it. It makes me feel goood.
does not mean only going to class, explain explain explain like a robot, give homework, thank you class, and off to go for lunch break. You will be surprised how much they look up to you and confide their worries to you.
will be on my mind for the next 11 weeks.
I pray and I hope that I can be the best for the kids. I realized that I am not the teacher here. They are. They will teach me on how to be calm, cool and collected in moments of distress (I'm awfully known for my kabut-ness; family and friends alike have told me prior to practicum to just be cool and not act all clumsy and frantic), how to execute a good lesson, how to enjoy myself during practicum, how to be an educator, to be a good listener, and to give me the chance to be brave. Hey, I'll only be teaching them English and that is it...
I hope they'll change my last statement and assure me that I wasn't only teaching them English but in fact, so much more. Life, growing up, self-belief.. InsyaAllah.
I'm excited but scared as hell at the same time. But what else can give you this rush? This fulfilling, love-hate rush?
Dear school, I will learn to love you and embrace these 3 months and give the best that I can as a practicum teacher. Tomorrow is D-Day (should've been today but the headmaster wasn't in), and I will try to get up early and go to you and report for duty on time. I will try not to be so nervous and just smile my way through. But not too much smiling though, as the students will think I'm crazy. I will learn to love my students as well and be nice to them, but at the same time instill the right amount of firmness. I will put Mr. Ron Clark and Mr. Frank McCourt and also my mentor as my role models. I will..
Am too nervous to write any further. I wish my fellow trainee teachers the best and may we survive this ordeal with all of our body parts still attached! (heh heh)
