The night before Syawal came along, I was sad and reluctant to move on. Ramadhan passed by so quickly, that I didn't have the heart to let it go. But like sand slipping away through my fingers, Ramadhan was still going to leave us and any attempt made to stop it would be useless. I felt like I didn't do much and I couldn't even manage to khatam on time; only halfway through the Holy book. Woe is me.
However, I didn't keep my frustration for long. Eid-ul Fitr is a day of celebration and that's exactly what I did.
I hope there is still time for me to wish you Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and Maaf Zahir dan Batin. I'm sorry for all of my wrongdoings, as I commit usual flaws human beings do, and hopefully this apology is met with forgiveness. May you guys have a joyful and wonderful one with your respective families! x
Azie beat me to it when she posted an entry on family. I guess when we are away from our homes, our hearts definitely grow fonder and you'll count the days until you see them again. I miss a lot of things about my family, but most of all, I just miss them, their presence. Loyal readers might know that this is my first time living somewhere else other than my hometown, Shah Alam and so far, it's been hunky-dory. Or so I thought.
My mind and mood have been on a whirl of late and sadly, I cannot come up with a decent explanation why. PMS? Boring answer. Everyone goes through that every month, but this feeling of missing home is a lot deeper than bloated tummies and cranky heads. I don't feel like I belong in this town.
The people so far are okay, some creepy but that's a norm I guess. The food's nice, the students can drive me crazy or can be the source of my laughter/ happiness every time I see them and I've no problem at all with my workmates. It is just not Shah Alam...
But you know what? As I'm writing this, I think I finally figured out why I miss home. My Atuk has been sick since the last time I saw him and he's currently admitted in Subang. Okay now I know why. It sucks to have an unwell loved one and not being able to see them or touch them. I receive prompt news almost every few hours on his condition but it still doesn't comfort me enough. I've got to go home and see him.
And that's what I'll do this weekend. Ramadhan is just not the same without my family. I've never felt this way before, the feeling of wanting to get something so badly that I've become desperate.
I'm going to go home. I will go home.
p.s: Salam Ramadhan everyone! Second day already today! x
Menangis tadi ketika berdoa. "Terima kasih ya Allah kerana Engkau telah memberi ku peluang untuk berjumpa dengan keluargaku, walaupun sekejap. Dan aku bersyukur untuk masih memiliki keluarga yang sihat dan saling sayang-menyayangi."
My heart is at ease when seeing them all perfect and well, without any reservations. They reaffirm my purpose of being here, teaching. To make them proud and to serve others. I can't wait to get my first pay, so I can spoil them rotten. Though not much, but the looks that will be displayed on their faces when experiencing it are surely to be priceless, and can possibly make me the happiest person alive.
I miss eating chicken. I stopped eating it for a while now to mend my sinusitis. So for the time being and the future, no more KFC, Kenny Rogers, Nando's, Chicken Rice Shop, Nasi Ayam Gemas, etc. How sad. No, really, I get a bit upset when I pass one of the mentioned restaurants. Even more so here in Kuala Pilah, when the only fast food chain available is KFC.
I miss using regular handphones sometimes. Smart phones are proven to be very useful but they can also be quite the annoyance. Emails, twitter mentions, FB notifications, BBMs, but I kinda like it too. You're constantly connected with the virtual world. But everyone needs the occasional breather.
I miss home but not to the point of being sick. To be honest, I'm amazed at myself on how calm I've been this week. Only shed tears the minute my family left me here in Pilah and had about 30 minutes to do so when Yana and her family arrived. And from that moment on, I did not cry at all. (Yes, I'm only 2 hours away from SA but still...)
I miss UiTM's gym. Yep. Here in Negeri Sembilan campus, there isn't any; probably because it's still new. But the great thing is, next time when I do the have the chance to go to the one in SA, I won't be signing in as a student but as a staff member :)
Those are the things that I miss. Now for the things that I've discovered here,
You can hardly find restaurants that are opened here on Sundays. My theory is, people in Kuala Pilah prefer dining in and are very introverted. They're quite the homebodies.
Nasi Goreng Melang. Squid, prawn, chicken, veges all thrown together. Unfortunately, I can eat the one with only veges in it.
People here are friendly. The makcik at this one food stall we went to chatted with us all throughout our meal and gave tips on where to fix our sinusitis. UiTM staff, especially the BEL lecturers are so fun and helpful! They're like a family. The mak and pak guards in UiTM too! But maybe it's because I work there now and am not a student anymore. Friends, you won't believe your eyes when you see them actually SMILING with their teeth showing at you. I felt so special.
Kuala Pilah is small but I managed to get lost a few times around town this week.
Everyday, me and my friends/ housemates/ former coursemates/ colleagues would hunt for food and try out different restaurants/ stalls. It's fun. Now we know where are the cheap ones, the pricey ones and the good ones.
18 year-old Diploma students still act like they're in form 5 and I like it.
The day I receive my Staff card, that's when the students will stop thinking I'm one of them. For now, I just have to remain submissive.
Assalamualaikum! After a week in breezy, windy, cold UK, I'm back in sweltering Malaysia. I can feel the vast temperature difference. I have no idea how my friend there will adjust herself here when she gets back because even at 21 degrees during her recent holiday in Italy, she felt it was too hot that she went back to her hotel to take a shower! Anyway, my holiday in Manchester and London was how I imagined it would be. Eccentric natives and their fashion sense, tiptop politeness, lovely weather, and wonderful companion!
Fro!
Our last picture sobs.
Eating fish&chips. It's quite the staple meal there.
Us minus Jwa in Old Trafford. I'll never forget this.
Went to see my crazy cousins staying in London,
And not to forget. This. Yes, that building that says "Primark".
Me and my sisters went crazy in there! Everything was affordable. Yes, the UK pound is equivalent to RM5, but they sold sunglasses and bags for 3 pounds and they're so nice! But the sad thing is, Primark is situated only in the UK, so yes, another visit is a must. Bought quite a handful of items so no more online shopping for me. For now..
I wish I could go again. Probably in a few years' time? On my own? Or with someone? I don't know but I'll definitely give it another visit :) And no, not because of Primark.
One thing I love about my mum is that she is one major traveler, and because of her and my dad's life-long dream, I'll be off to Manchester for a week next week! My dad has been a huge MU fan since he was in diapers, thus going there seems like a natural move to take; a once in a lifetime opportunity that should not be missed out on. Apart from having the chance to feast my eyes on the Theater of Dreams and bask myself in the crisp English weather, I get to see my best friend who's studying there! It's been ages and I can't wait :) It's also my first time spending a few days of summer in the UK, my ultimate location to study and live so you can just imagine what it does to myself! Yup, almost loopy..
I'm going to be dead broke at the beginning of May (!) considering the loads of things I need to buy for my loved ones.
Mother's Day present for my Ma (I have no idea of what I'm going to get her. Every year I would buy products from Body Shop; the lotions, perfumes, etc, so to pamper her because who wouldn't love those stuff? I know I do..But the sad thing is, whenever I check the cabinet in her toilet, my gifts are still beautifully wrapped..). Maybe a bag or a pair of Crocs will do.
Crocs for my aunt (belated birthday present as well as Mother's Day. Her feet are very sensitive and I think the only kind that suits her is the comfy Crocs.)
Anything for my baby sis (just to surprise her. I reckon food would be best.)
Pa's birthday present. (Maybe I will pay for a lunch/ dinner date:)
These are the things that I can think of right now. I feel there's more. But five items are already a lot man..And to be honest, it's so difficult for me to even list them down here, because as of now, there are a gajillion things that I want to buy!
So far, I have spotted a pair of black wedges, floral crop top, floral romper, pink boho top, printed maxi skirt.. There will be more coming soon, don't worry..
Also, the question that arises here is, where in the world would I get the MONEY?.. Genius Nashrah..You think you can buy those things with imaginary money coming from your magic wallet which just so happens to magically contain money every time you open it ah?
This only means I have to save and refrain myself from those mentioned online stuff I'm keen on buying. But maybe you can lend a helping hand..
Do visit WhenJackieMetJazzy and see whether there are items you're interested in. Don't worry, can nego.. :)
p.s: What is the point of writing "selfless" there if you still think about yourself? God, help me. I can be so daft sometimes.
Why am I doing assignments on a Friday night? Oh yes, I'm in Part 8, the semester where students suffocate.
Aina must be waiting for me... (her turn in compiling our work.)
Early day tomorrow.. someone will need to wake me up..
I miss my parents, my baby sister and my grandpa. I wonder how they're doing. My mum said it rained cats and dogs for two days in Mecca, and my dad and my grandpa have blisters on their feet from the cold. This news however, was passed around by my aunt. Looks like my Mum has been keeping things from me.. The only thing I hear from her is "everything's okay and peachy here". Ma, I can handle not so good news you know..
Bummed that I didn't have the chance to bring my sister to a new dining place Aina introduced to me last week. The rain just now was so bad and the road was hardly visible. Next time I guess :(
My younger sister is coming home tomorrow but because of the seminar I'm going to attend, she has to wait a while for me to pick her up. Sorry :(
My kakak and my younger sister are going to the Super Junior concert tomorrow night. I'm already wondering what I should do home alone.
I know Kak Fynn (ceh ceh can "kakak-kakak" now :p) wrote this song for her dear husband and is generally meant for married couples, but I can't help to think of my family when I listen to it.
I thought I was the only one who welled up when she sang during our seminar, but my fellow mates cried as well! It's so honest and raw, even the coldest of hearts will warm up..
To dry your hair by sitting in front of a fan and start to imagine you're in a music video.
To be reminded that you are loved, always.
To have that last piece of food, any food.
To watch an oh-so-cute kitten rolling around and falling asleep.
Exchanging banter with your father and sister.
To cry in your doa after praying. Haven't felt so close to Him in quite awhile.
To have people evaluate your presentation and to find out that most of them are encouraging and positive.
Laughing at and with your sister for screaming like crazy as if she saw a ghost when she really saw a tiny, innocent frog.
To eat ice-cream after meals.
To have the ice-cream containing only 60 calories, so no guilt trips.
To see a Poslaju package after a long day of studying/ assignments.
To see smiles of friends.
The victorious feeling after completing an assignment.
To catch someone looking at you/ checking you out.
To laugh with your Atuk over silly people on tv.
To discover you half-memorized the Yaasin after two years of reciting them every week because you know what verse comes after the other, though not often.
To actually have the time to recite the Quran after Maghrib prayers.
I wish I had something intelligent to share but I currently don't. My life as of now, is pretty blah.. So I'm just going to talk about.. random things!
I wish I had the patience of Anne Sullivan when she taught Helen Keller, as a teacher/ lecturer, (future) mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc.
The thoughts of assignments never leave my head. Maybe only when I sleep, and that's it. My mind's gone wonky at this point.
But the thought of hanging out with one of my girls this Friday, my sisters and Maher Zain on Sat nite, my paternal family to celebrate my grandparents' birthday puts a huge grin on my face.
I miss my paternal grandparents. Didn't have the chance to see them last week.
A probable outing to Tutti Frutti again. I eat a cup almost every weekend. Seriously, I am truly happy they set up one branch here. Though I realized after a few sittings that a cup cost so much more than one scoop of Baskin's. Well, at least they're nutritious.
I miss having Amer around on Facebook. He deactivated his account to concentrate on assignments, and I do support his action through and through but the social networking site is getting duller by the day.
I am close to graduating and yet, high school-like issues still roam around freely like I never left it. Kita sudah besar ye kawan-kawan.
My friend made me realize that an issue I got involved in was like an episode of Gossip Girl. Complicated and juicy. You got that right!
After chatting with my cousins yesterday, and the topic of my grandma was out of a sudden brought up, I could feel my body turning stiff and my face expressionless. I was trying to maintain my body language and keep moves to a minimum as to not appear like I cared. Why were we talking about it again? It's been two years, I don't see a reason why we need to recount the days leading to her death, how her birthday presents given by us and cousins were coincidentally the same colour, how she was healthy as a horse and my grandpa was the one who had all kinds of sickness, how neither one of her grandchildren was by her side during the night prior to her delirious fever, how I wish I could turn back time to that night so I could take care of her and that would probably ease and lessen her sickness. But no, it's impossible.
I hated DEMC a few months after her passing. I hated how they were incompetent in doing their job, how they could've sent her to SJMC sooner. I couldn't even enter both hospitals, let alone pass them by without feeling shivers creeping through my body and mind, remembering the events that happened. How we rushed to her side in the middle of the night when she was not showing signs of improvement and we recited yaasin and prayers. I couldn't stop crying, thinking about the days that will come and not having her with me. I couldn't study at all; hardly any Edu Psych terms entered my head despite finishing my highlighter pens, and my book was painted with neon pink, blue and green. I still remembered that that semester was the worst I had ever gone through and the result was the same.
I thought I would never get better, never get over her, keep imagining her in the house, during the day and at night. Every time my grandpa cries, I try so hard biting the insides of my mouth, my lips, to stop them from quivering and give my sadness away. I'd just pass a tissue, maybe two, patted him and comforted him by saying the most safest words to say to anyone who'd experienced loss; "Don't be sad, he/ she is in a better place." But it's true, isn't it? I actually don't know the truth regarding this. It's a lame attempt, to assure myself of things we can't see, or hear.
But you know what? I did get over it, her. I didn't forget. I just didn't feel the same level of sadness now each time I visit her, not the same like the first, second, third time. I accepted it, and moved on and the void that she made empty, I filled it with prayers and hope and complete submission to Him knowing He's the only one who could help me get by. I felt relieved, I wasn't stuck in this self-pity hole anymore. That's what life is, I said to myself. People come and go, we all die in the end, including loved ones. They aren't invincible like what you used to think when you were little when they buy you the prettiest clothes and made you the most scrumptious food you'd ever tasted and made you think they were Superman and Wonderwoman. They will go and leave you.
So why was it brought up again? What's passed is past, right?
No. Yes, occurrences, happy or sad, they happened. But that doesn't mean we can forget. You will smile again, laugh, find happiness but love creates something in you that even though the person/ the relationship has long gone, it is planted and embedded in you, until you yourself die. That's when it will stop.
"i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
You are 13 years and two days old today :) I am very much proud of you, from blossoming into a (sometimes) graceful young lady to becoming a tahfiz student, every day running your fingers through pages of the Quran and uttering and memorizing sacred verses, something that is considered stupendously difficult and requires strong determination, a trait which I truly believe you possess. We all love you and miss you back here in Section 11 (and one more in Gombak). Take care tau!
Harap-harap Sheen dapat baca blog entry ni at the library on Friday.
As I get older, I'm beginning to see things from the other side. Mostly my family's; my grandpa, my parents, sisters and aunt. This one particular thought has lingered on my mind almost all my life, and I still wonder about it now.
What if my parents had a son?
p.s: That cute little chubby baby is my cousin, Muhammad.
When I'm older and get to lead (insyaAllah) a content life, I want to be just like my parents. Both of them aren't working anymore, so instead of lounging around the house in front of the t.v and do nothing, they spend most of their waking hours being busy AJKs at the surau. They have done everything they've mostly wanted now (dunia) so they're now focusing on the afterlife (akhirat). My dad told me he and my mum are slowly making up for lost time and I thought that was really nice, and something that people nowadays are lacking. We superfluously want things but I'm sure most of them will not be useful or helpful when we die. I ashamedly admit I can be off track sometimes, but having these two lovely people around reminds me to get back in the saddle again, every time.
When I was 15, and John Mayer made his debut, I didn't have to fork out money to buy his cd, because my dad surprised me with one. But before handing it out to me, my parents would listen to it first to check whether there are any profanities or the songs make sense or not, and is worthwhile buying. Thank goodness they liked him. They're cool like that.
I think my parents are funny. Despite their "golden" age, they can still crack me up, indirectly however. My mum is known for her "fierceness", to the point that even my nenek saudara is scared of her. And including my dad. So you can just imagine how she is. I think because she is the "baby" of the family, and taking it from my late grandmother, she doesn't allow people to treat like her a doormat. Including her daughters -_-" Albeit the scoldings and the high-pitched name calling whenever we've done something wrong (Nur Nashrah!, Nur Naziha!, Nur Najwa!, Nur Nashreen!), I still of course, love her dearly and owe so much to her. I don't think I say "thank you" enough. Or even "I love you-s". It's not that I don't feel it, but I guess we just never practiced open, laid-out affections. My way of showing it is probably through doing what she asks us to do, study hard, never leave my daily prayers, just doing all the things a daughter should do. I'm not used to bonding sessions like we see in tv dramas, like the Gilmore Girls and such. I even wonder whether it happens in real life or not. Presumably it does, so I guess I'm missing out a lot. I'm going on 22, and she's going on 53. I'll try, because I know life has its way with us and we'll never know when it is our time to go.
My dad is on a 3 weeks leave now, because he's currently retiring soon. Tomorrow night, his colleagues will organize a dinner to celebrate the decades that he's worked with the company. I can't believe the time has come when your father turns 55 and is retiring. That means we will be living on pension money. Erm I made it sound bad right? Don't worry, my parents have been saving since forever, and us four, have our own savings too. So all is good. But after he'll retire, my sister will be the only breadwinner of the family. And I am next. Gulp. This is something huge.
I have no idea why I am writing this post. All my writing skills and structure have gone haywire. It's not even "diamond-shaped" anymore. More like square-ish, sphere, triangle-ish... Haywire I tell you.
Anyway, I guess I hardly write about them, and the mention of the dinner tomorrow night, and not to forget, Mother's Day this Sunday and my father's birthday around the corner, makes me think about how their conditions are like now, who they are as a person, what will come after this, and when will I get to repay everything they have done for me. Will I get enough time with them, will they see me graduate, will they see me do my Masters, will they see me get married. All these questions are hardly thought about, because I tend to steer away from "reality" and changes that are taking place. I'm growing up, doesn't mean they've stop aging. I forgot about that fact for awhile, and when I finally put my finger on it, it suddenly seems to suck the life out of me. So many things to think about, to consider, when you have your own life, your own demons, your own battles to deal with.
God has been so giving to my family, and we've been so fortunate. I hope He won't take it away, and leave us in shambles...
p.s: See, so berterabur right? Need to read more man... reading, writing skills all "runaway" already. (Skills membaca dan menulis dah lari.)
