running with scissors

After chatting with my cousins yesterday, and the topic of my grandma was out of a sudden brought up, I could feel my body turning stiff and my face expressionless. I was trying to maintain my body language and keep moves to a minimum as to not appear like I cared. Why were we talking about it again? It's been two years, I don't see a reason why we need to recount the days leading to her death, how her birthday presents given by us and cousins were coincidentally the same colour, how she was healthy as a horse and my grandpa was the one who had all kinds of sickness, how neither one of her grandchildren was by her side during the night prior to her delirious fever, how I wish I could turn back time to that night so I could take care of her and that would probably ease and lessen her sickness. But no, it's impossible.

I hated DEMC a few months after her passing. I hated how they were incompetent in doing their job, how they could've sent her to SJMC sooner. I couldn't even enter both hospitals, let alone pass them by without feeling shivers creeping through my body and mind, remembering the events that happened. How we rushed to her side in the middle of the night when she was not showing signs of improvement and we recited yaasin and prayers. I couldn't stop crying, thinking about the days that will come and not having her with me. I couldn't study at all; hardly any Edu Psych terms entered my head despite finishing my highlighter pens, and my book was painted with neon pink, blue and green. I still remembered that that semester was the worst I had ever gone through and the result was the same.

I thought I would never get better, never get over her, keep imagining her in the house, during the day and at night. Every time my grandpa cries, I try so hard biting the insides of my mouth, my lips, to stop them from quivering and give my sadness away. I'd just pass a tissue, maybe two, patted him and comforted him by saying the most safest words to say to anyone who'd experienced loss; "Don't be sad, he/ she is in a better place." But it's true, isn't it? I actually don't know the truth regarding this. It's a lame attempt, to assure myself of things we can't see, or hear. 

But you know what? I did get over it, her. I didn't forget. I just didn't feel the same level of sadness now each time I visit her, not the same like the first, second, third time. I accepted it, and moved on and the void that she made empty, I filled it with prayers and hope and complete submission to Him knowing He's the only one who could help me get by. I felt relieved, I wasn't stuck in this self-pity hole anymore. That's what life is, I said to myself. People come and go, we all die in the end, including loved ones. They aren't invincible like what you used to think when you were little when they buy you the prettiest clothes and made you the most scrumptious food you'd ever tasted and made you think they were Superman and Wonderwoman. They will go and leave you.

So why was it brought up again? What's passed is past, right? 

No. Yes, occurrences, happy or sad, they happened. But that doesn't mean we can forget. You will smile again, laugh, find happiness but love creates something in you that even though the person/ the relationship has long gone, it is planted and embedded in you, until you yourself die. That's when it will stop.