I don't know what to do. My head is all over the place. I haven't even taken my second shower for the day. Just keep staring into space and think and wallow and comforting myself. I'm still in my plaid shirt, only took off my pants and put on a pair of shorts, my hair tied but unruly, jaw clenching and unclenching itself, greasy face, just a plain mess. A plain, sad, depressing mess.
How do you forget? How do you not reach the phone and call and tell that person about your day? How do you focus? How do you move on? How do you comfort yourself? Give yourself a hug? Is that even possible? Even if it is, it just makes you sadder and more depressed. How do you go about doing your assignments and not think of what had happened or might happen or the many what ifs? How do you hold back your tears that keep forming every time you see some thing associated with the thing that makes you sad in the first place ? How do you pretend that the last two years were nothing? How do you erase memories?
I can't stand going to class and learn and talk and do assignments and all the freaking tests when all I want to do is just go home, lock myself in my room, lie in bed with Ducky and Creampuff and Quack and Nosepicker and cry all day. Maybe accompanied by Jeff or John or Jack's words of wisdom. I can't function properly. I can't think straight at all.
As I sent Aina and drove off, fear started creeping in. Handphone out of battery, could not call anyone, driving along the dark street of section 3, then section 6 then speeding through to reach the roundabout fast enough to see the lights of Masjid Negeri to get rid of the fear. The traffic light turned green but when I was about to reach it, it turned red. Maybe because there weren't any cars around. Apa lagi, langgar la lampu merah. Takde maknanya nak duduk kat situ sorang-sorang dlm kereta. scaryyy. Drove and drove and I thought about all the things that happened today. and yesterday. and the day before yesterday. And at that moment, I realized that I have never felt so alone in my life. It's a sad thing. To know that you can't pick up the phone and dial the familiar number. To know that if you can take it all back, you would but you can't. To separate and put on a brave face and try to convince yourself that you will be ok.
Exactly, how do you do that?
Thinking about tomorrow and the day after that made me anxious as well. Japanese video and Japanese test and Bel minutes and Literature presentation and just another million more things to do. Seriously rasa mcm nak nangis. Please let me survive this week. please please please.
My hands would tremble like crazy and my palms would sweat more than they usually do if he was to be my drum instructor. Or worse, I might faint. Or the most horrifying thing, I might... drool.
hahahahahaha.
Donna C, The Donnas
Whoa, if I play like her, my tudung might fall off. Gila rock on.I haven't reached this point of playing the drums yet. I will definitely. I love The Donnas!
Meg White, The White Stripes
Now I've played like her in commercial music class. Not her techniques of course, but that expression she has on her face; eyes closed, really concentrating on the beats. It surprises me how I'm not so embarassed to do so. Music has that power over you kan?
Rob Bourdon, Linkin Park
I used to be a huge fan of Linkin Park back in high school. Ask my friends how much of a fanatic I was. Out of all of them, I liked Mike Shinoda the most but you can't ignore Rob's wicked beats. Even Mike had said, Rob was so inventive with his drum skills that it actually made Hybrid Theory and Meteora a success. Oh he's my ultimate drum god.
p.s: sebenarnya saja nak tulis psl drummers ni cause today tetibe skills semua lari. nak sedapkan hati. hehe
Me, my back, during my last presentation for Staedtler in a school in Putrajaya. Was taken by Hern.
I don't know why, but I miss my Staedtler job. It was fun, meeting cute kids all over Klang Valley and all, the times when I was addressed as Aunty by some of the kids and they all salam me. So cute those kids. Oh yeah plus I need money, like noooww.
hahahha macam tak ikhlas. Eh but I really am actually. But I miss the cheques Tazree gives too. :D
Alhamdulillah, today's Bel meeting went well. Really well, as Mdm Marina said we were all good. "Improved a lot from the first meeting. I've nothing else to comment," she said, with a smile on her face. Yeay for us eight!
Thank you guys; Aint no Ruqqie yaw, Nasty Nadia, Aina Banana, Mary Celery, Yana Boleh, Far Inspirasi, and Mr. Nabil, for all the help, your sacrifices and the constructive criticisms and comments. It was nerve-wrecking but we've made it!
Yes yes I know, you're probably thinking, Ala meeting Bel je pun, but it really meant something to me.
Oh and Gamelan test went well too! I was practically the last one! hahaha but it helped because I wasn't so nervous. Though Amir and the boys just had to stay and watch. takpe takpe. hehe
Today made me a whole lot better since Monday. But honestly, these two happy events couldn't quite redeem the bad grade I got for my Literature paper. Oh Mr. Kieran, why why whyyyyyy?
Thank you for doing what you did. I would never have the guts to do so. You made my heart beat like crazy like never before, and even though you sent me into a frenzy, I loved every second of it. It has been quite a while. All this seems natural despite the fact that we haven't spoken to each other for almost 2 years. I'm glad you found me. I really appreciate it. Thank you again.
Today started off a bit shaky then turned nice. Everything was quite pleasing and they became okay in the middle. Then it started to look like today wasn't my day. Dah start dah kejadah tahpape at 3ish. Tried to perk self up for a 3-hour class. Thought there was going to be a movie; a memo was lost somehow about today was only to discuss. Then the creme de la creme of all things horrendous happened.
And. I. Wished. I. Was. Anywhere. But. That. Dingy. Classroom.
Now I'm cranky and sleepy, yet a lot of work still needs to be done. Can life get any better than this? Oh gee whiz, I don't think so! hyuk hyuk.
Ya Allah, I thought I saw the end of him why did he pop out of nowhere and be all smiley and chain smoking in front of my face since when did they become friends anyway how can they even hang out together it's like really weird and i can't believe he would hang out with girls like that not that they are bad it's just plain weird and i don't know why i keep avoiding the website since it is a social networking site oh my i don't even know why i'm freaking out i just need to let this out somewhere thank God i've got a lot of friends on facebook and they're all actively uploading pictures and whatnot so the photos she uploaded is not in the news feed anymore so i don't have to see his face oh thank you thank you thank you i've never been so thankful for the amount of friends i have in facebook before oh thank youu!
For the past few days, I was a girl on a roller coaster ride. Involuntarily. Got strapped on it, and up and down, up and down I went, experiencing an abundant of emotions. Some were great, some I prefer to put it way wayy aside to not feel so crappy. It's hard to maintain positive but as what most people say, "Inilah dugaan, kena byk bersbr." Oh yeah, I'm doing a whole lot of that. It seems to be working, and life is looking up again. Though I have to admit, I went through this psychological mode where I questioned everything in life like "What am I going to be? Am I going to be a good person? Will I get a good job? What will really happen in the next 10 years? Will I get married? Or will I not?" Serious questions like that.
Sometimes I think to myself, hey I'm yet to turn 21 so I should go on and enjoy my life woohoo like all those people (I wonder who these 'people' really are) but I can't bring myself to that thought. Ever since my grandmother passed away, the subject of death has never left my head. I'm starting to take everything seriously now, more than I used to. I don't like it but it feels like I'm obliged to so I have no choice. A sin can be done so easily, even without you noticing it and I would not want to be in oblivion. So you understand now how dead serious I am when I find it hard to enjoy life. I can actually, not that fun is totally out of the question but when I constantly think of the D word, I'll froze and turn into a headcase. Even I don't like myself at times.
But don't worry, I've only changed a bit, nothing too drastic. Except for one thing, a change that I've noticed in myself is that I don't dream anymore. And I think that is the saddest thing possible to happen to a former full-time dreamer. :(
I can't talk to you You think I'm lost inside my mind You're like an old tattoo And I know you'll fade in time
I'm not the girl you think you know I'm not the girl you waited for I'm not the one for you It's just one thing left to do
Why don't you let me be Cause I'm a million miles away Why don't you set me free Cause you don't treat me like you said
I won't tuck you in one last time I'm taking back what is mine for me I belong to me, yeah
I'm going faster You're going backwards you're going to miss me when I'm gone I hang from the ceiling I feel what I'm feeling Should've been feeling it all along
I'm going faster I'm going faster
That's the last black eye I hope I ever give to you Yeah, I had a good time But what's a girl supposed to do
Take the pictures off the wall They don't look like us at all They don't look like friends I've got new things to begin
Why don't you let me be Cause I'm a million miles away Why don't you set me free I belong to me
I'm going faster You're going backwards you're going to miss me when I'm gone I hang from the ceiling I feel what I'm feeling Should've been feeling it all along
My mother had mentioned something the Ustad she goes to see for agama lessons had said. "Kita kena fikir, kita perlu atau kita nak sahaja benda tu. Kalau perlu ok, tapi kalau nak dan benda itu tak penting mana, utamakan keperluan." Or something like that. Ustads have their own style of preaching, sometimes including their own dialect; (orang yg tgk forum perdana or any ceramah knows what this means) so mine is the normal one.
well, for some absurd reason, I'm currently obsessed, no too strong of a word, really interested, in finding these two things:
Leopard printed shirt/bag
Boyfriend blazer
Examples:
and
I truly believe in myself, that I do need these as my closet has a hollow sound when you knock it because of lack of clothes. Anyone has ideas on where I can find them?
I saw this kind of post once in AfiqDeen's blog. (someone I totally don't know but his blog is one of my favourite reads. I prefer admirer than stalker here). I want to do the same too. (sibuk). But to make it different, I'm going to list more than 10.
Dear friends, I'm considering on making this blog private. A lot of the time, this is the place where I pour my heart out and I've learned it is a really, really bad move. Now I feel really sh*tty. Or I'd probably create a whole new one and make that one private. Sort of like a real diary, for my eyes only. Yeah, maybe that. Or just to be on the safe side, you guys can give me your emails in case I go with the first option. Thanks.
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
It really has been a while since I've felt this way. To develop this feeling of acceptance, the true act of patience and depending on oneself in times of sadness took a little while. She went and I was lost, like a little puppy with no mother looking for shelter. Believe me, it wasn't easy to be okay again. I would never let anything ruin this for me. But you just had to add salt to the wound, dontcha?
Warning: this post is not for anyone listed in my blog list or someone you think you know. serious, tak tipu.
I've never expressed anger here before. At least I think so. Sometimes I chose not to because people can easily think it's about them when it's really not. It's hard to be discreet and trying to convey your message clearly at the same time. Truth be told, I am angry right now. Enraged, though somehow I'm surprised at myself for able to control my composure in front of my family. It's crazy to think of someone you thought was decent enough, intelligent enough to not do anything so foolish to do just that. If you really want to express your feelings that involves other people, write in your diary or something but not definitely somewhere public. How do you think I'd feel? I have to handle this every freaking day and I'm tired because I have to force myself to smile and laugh and pretend everything's a-okay when it's not. You don't know because you don't live in this house. You don't see what we see and you definitely don't feel what we feel. You don't have to point out the bad things, you don't have to go into detail. Do you really want to add more drama to what's been done? This problem isn't easy for all of us. But congratulations because you just made it worse. I can just blast every four-letter words that I know to you but I won't because I respect you. I can call you up and yell at you like a crazy person for doing what you did. It's not illegal but it's wrong. It hurts and it's humiliating. It was not necessary. You should have thought about it a thousand times. You should have at least have us in mind and think of the consequences. As much as I am angry and sad, I still hold back my feelings because there are such things called dignity and respect, and those aspects to me, are important to consider when it comes to family and I hold on to that. I believe people who do bad things change for the better. Condemnation is not the way. You might think it was just nothing, something insignificant. But you're awfully wrong. It isn't and I really really hope you can clearly see that.
And I really do need some tissues here after sneezing like crazy. Marah and sedih and berhingus memang tak best langsung. grr.
For a while, I thought I was this 40-year old woman stuck in a 21-year old body. I don't like to go out much; I'd rather stay at home, I don't know what's current in music and sometimes I prefer a foreign or cultural film than the latest blockbuster. And to top it all off, I find myself chatting very breezily with my aunties and uncles, and that's when realization hits me like a rock saying that hey, I so can rock it out with them! I started to improve myself in becoming more mature just so they can see me as a grownup too. Like sharing stories, or maybe secrets and problems. I thought I was capable of handling them. Boy, was I wrong. Today proves I'm far from being a true adult. I'm still not ready and I don't think I want to either.
I saw this kind of post once in AfiqDeen's blog. (someone I totally don't know but his blog is one of my favourite reads. I prefer admirer than stalker here). I want to do the same too. (sibuk). But to make it different, I'm going to list more than 10.
Lately, I can see friends who seem to have this positive energy in them (cewah), their feet gliding lightly, their minds (konon cam psychic) and bodies seem to float up to cloud nine, not because they just had a can of RedBull or they didn't have much sleep the night before, but because they're in love. Sigh, it's so nice to see them happy. The feeling is strong, I bet we all have felt it. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside..Hold on to what you have, because I think when you love and you are loved, you'll become a better person. Not just to your significant other, but other people too. Hopefully all the luuurrrvee will spill on to us who are unlucky or are falling in and out of love. hehehhe.
Oh tiba-tiba bila cakap psl cats, teringat Aristocats. Do you remember that movie way back in 1970? We've all probably watched it in the '80's. And then this song,
"Everybody wants to be a cat, Because a cat's the only cat Who knows where it's at. Everybody's pickin' up on that feline beat, 'Cause everything else is obsolete.."
I think that cat, Thomas O' Malley sang it. Comel hehe.
And then there were the kittens; Marie, Toulouse, and Berlioz
cuuttteee :)
Ok mmg tak ada kaitan but in moments of stress like what I'm experiencing right now, I can do anything. Cerita psl kucing la teaching la mcm-mcm ching la. I think this is the act of pleasing oneself; you know, talk about nonsense that makes you happy. Oh well, good luck guys.
