running with scissors

I am in a strange place right now in my life. I'm not sure where to start or how to put them in words. The matters on my mind are all jumbled up, I need some clarity. The revival of this blog is supposed to help me with that, but I am too consumed in my own negative thoughts that I feel like it's going to end up looking exactly how it was seven years ago.

Maybe I need my blogger friends again. I need my old, small writing circle back. 

OMG. Assalamualaikum. It's been a hot minute since I last visited this dusty blog! Truth be told, I'm here because of my students. Not UiTM students nor Geomatika, but ASIQS students (I don't think I have ever written about Geomatika though but oh well). Yes, last time I was here, I was in Kuala Pilah teaching fresh graduates English. Right now, I'm back in my hometown of Shah Alam, teaching high school kids; something I told myself I would not venture into. But that is Allah's current plan for me and I think it's alright. Still getting the hang of it, despite already being here for *coughs* 3 years *coughs*. My kids were assigned to create a blog on their own, and you bet your butt that every cell in my body perked up. Blogging? Writing online? What? That's what I love! Or loved, I'm not sure yet. What I know is, this move made by my colleague on them revived something in me that I had left far behind, but I feel like I am ready to embrace again. This was my space that I shared with friends, family, and anybody who actually liked reading the crap I posted. I feel like little old 23 year-old Nashrah again, writing about her wants and needs and thoughts and not caring what people think. But 7 years is a long time, and to be honest, not a lot of old me remains. I've changed quite a bit. 

I have a husband and a son now. Writing it here looks so bizarre when you compare it with my old posts of heartbreaks, longing, and wondering when will I ever get married. It's a small blow to the stomach BUT hilarious at the same time to think how innocent I was about the whole idea. I'm still learning about everything and anything, and living it as I go.

I still love literature, but academically, I did not survive. I guess you could say research isn't my forte. The whole debacle still brings me down (okay breaks my heart is more like it) but I have tried my best to move on. Physically was easy, mentally was not. My friends made it though, and I am extremely happy and proud of them. It just was not meant for me. Perhaps in the future, and in another field. 

Anyway, good things are coming, and I am excited. I just pray God grants me the strength to actually endure it, because there are lots on my plate right now. And that will be in another post, written at another time, possibly soon..or not. We shall see. Toodles!

As of right now, I do not have any positive thing to say or even harbour positive thoughts. I feel guilty to even think of ranting here on my beloved blog, because it used to come from a place full of love. The only social networking site that I feel like I can take a breather is Tumblr because it encompasses strangers and lovely images that are from my wildest dreams. Do not get me wrong; I live and breathe familiarity. As much as I try to be adventurous, or appear to be trying, I want something that I can fall back on but sadly I confess, Blogger's no longer my home. Maybe it will be, maybe this is just one of the many hiatuses I've had, but for now, I'd have to bid Goodbye.

So, Goodbye. 

“There are dreamers, and there are realists in this world. You’d think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists? Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.”

I miss how these guys made me feel. Goosebumps all over when I relive Chester's screams and Mike's rapping. Helped me a lot in going through my high school years. I don't know what was so therapeutic and calming, but whenever something angered or saddened me, I'd put on my headphones and blast them out on my walkman and then I'd feel better. Tears streaming or shaking still, but that pinch of relief would be there. I went to their concert when I was 15, and it still is the best concert I've attended so far. The energy was mad. We all want to turn back time to some points in our lives right, and being there at the stadium watching them is definitely one of it. They're legendary.

All of their songs are amazing but here's one that will always be my favourite :