7:10 PM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
i have thought of something to write weeks ago but haven't really sat down and compose it. i wanted to write a poem about something but the meaning is entirely different from that something. i might use some 'dirty' connotations but i'm scared. i didn't even type 'sexual connotations' there cause i'm too scared :)) see, people may have seen me as this nice, never-ever cuss, very well-mannered kind of girl and i am, sometimes. i do get angry and cranky and have not too proper words coming out from my mouth occasionally. i'm ashamed to admit this but i do care about what people think of me. i don't want people to talk bad about me. i am nice to everyone (within notice) so i expect the same thing from people. but i don't do it in a hyprocrite-y way though. but different people, different minds right? i can't please everyone. oh what the heck, it's my blog isn't it? would you be shocked if i write a 'dirty' poem? :))
one 'dirty' poem, coming right up!
3:06 AM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
tonight is one of those nights where i wish would not exist. i guess i was wrong. i can't juggle it both. it's too hard. 14 hours ago, i've said to nad, "best." with a giddy smile on my face and a feeling of contentment. i am happy. things were not that stable a few days back but gradually, it became ok. tonight, it was ruined again. what i would give to have a week of bliss.
love. sometimes it doesn't even sound lovely. it just knows how to rip your heart out and shred it to pieces when you don't want it to happen the most and miraculously, put them back together again into your hollowed chest when you desperately need it. does this make sense? yes, when you have experienced it i guess. bencinye.
12:18 AM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
felt like adding jeff here. wasn't he always with me? ;) i like this song second best. here are the lyrics. after rapidly playing the cd in the car and listening to the lyrics, i finally understood what he meant. or maybe i was just being perasan. oh well.
Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss
A singing smile
Coffee smell and lilac skin
Your flame in me
Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss
A singing smile
Coffee smell and lilac skin
Your flame in me
I'm only here for this moment
I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away
Hmm, such a thing of wonder in this crowd
I'm a stranger in this town
You're free with me
And our eyes locked in downcast love
I sit here proud
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me
Oh, I'm only here for this moment
I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away
I know the tears we cried
Have dried on yesterday
The sea of fools has parted for us
There's nothing in our way
My love
Don't you see, don't you see?
You're just the torch to put the flame to all our guilt and shame
And I'll rise like an ember in your name
I know I, I know I
I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
Oh let me show you
That love can rise, rise just like embers
Love can taste like the wine of the ages, oh babe,
And I know they all looks so good from a distance
But I tell you I'm the one
I know everybody here, well, thinks he needs you
Think he needs you
And I'll be waiting right here just to show you.
11:15 PM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
after riding an emotional roller-coaster today and managed to overcome it all, i feel better. much much better. and i see things clearly too though my eyes are kinda blurry and red. no one says being a relationship was easy. especially during this period of adolescence. back in high school, it was so much easier. you would know that after high school, that boyfriend of yours will have a high chance of being just that. a high school sweetheart. there will be more to come when you enter unis. we grow to be more mature day by day now, facing things that we don't want to but certainly have to and relationships too, become more complicated and intense.
intense. that's what i have been feeling lately. i don't know if it's my hormones or being overly-emotional or just being a girl with wandering thoughts, but i felt everything was not in place. everything was not settled and i didn't know how to fix them. it took weeks and many cover-ups with friends and boyfriend on how i was ok. sometimes, you just don't know what's going on with yourself. i didn't know how to step out of it, so i waited.
now i'm better and my thoughts and actions are clearer. i guess time was my answer. i had to be patient. i can't force something, some form of motion by nature to act the way it's not supposed to act or reverse it. im glad it's all over. im happy wheee :)
3:12 AM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
i absolutely undeniably utterly hate sexist people, regardless guys or girls. but guys mostly. (tapi certain jela ok) why can't we just accept facts about the opposite sex? is it because of your humongous ego? you just don't believe what you see or hear? i can't stand it. i'm not a feminist, i never was and i never will be. i just think that both sexes deserve the same treatment and i believe girls can do anything that guys can too. is that so wrong?
men nowadays, sheesh.
2:35 PM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
camping is not how i would want to spend my weekend. even though it is mid semester break week, i have turned out to be such a lazy bum. from monday till wednesday, i've been fasting. got one more day to 'ganti'. from fasting, i found out that i really really can't function without food. when i don't eat anything even though i had some koko crunch during sahur, it is not enough. i would wake up at 11 a.m or 30 minutes before 12, and i would feel so groggy that i can't think straight. then thinking that i have tomorrow, i would procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate.
but, occasionally (in that 3-day period) i'd give myself a reality check. "Nashrah,nnt menyesal. bila tak siap keje, br nk nangis pastu salahkan org lain." so i turned on my laptop and started to think of sentences to write for the purpose and methods of my observational report for Educational Psychology. tapi bukannya senang. i can't write crappy, suka-hati-mak-bpk-dia punye words. i have to write concise, intelligent, true, excellently-constructed sentences. but it is sooo hard. so i give up.
today is friday. and i have exactly 2 hours and 15 minutes till the kesat meeting on the camping thing. and i'm still stuck on how to write the perfect purpose and methods used. whether i like it or not, i have to finish everything by tonight. i feel like crying.
12:22 AM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
10:31 PM
achoo-ed by
Nashrah Khan
new age doesn't mean the genre of music or anything, but in 1 hour and 30 minutes or so, i'm gonna turn 20. i had a blog on blogger.com during pre for College Reading class but i can't seem to remember my username and password. and writing blogs on friendster didn't seem to fulfill what i wanted. so i decided to create a new account here. but that's not my only reason.
from now on, i can write my blog anywhere i want. (dengan muka yg happy and bangga) you wanna know why? cause i've got my own lappy now!! :D
i'm so excited to write while sitting cross-legged on my bed with ducky beside me, or sitting outside on the swings. or in the car (parked in the house, of course). haaa you must be wondering, "eh mmg la type kat mana2 bley, tp mesti lah kene ada internet connection.." well, you've guessed it, i have wireless connection in my house now! waaa all this while i've been computer/technology illiterate but now i guess i'm not B-)
no more fighting over the computer (dad, three sisters, aunty and all), no more distractions, no more overhead peeking from Mama on whose profile i'm viewing, no more electricity-wasting, no more taking too long in front of the pc to write a blog. i am freeeee. thank you Atuk. i love you.
well, i haven't mastered this newfound area i've encountered. i have Umar to thank. you want to know why? during my trip to the Digital Mall in Pj with my sister, who's also the bday girl and my atuk, Umar was my saviour and part-time pc guide. we were on the phone most of the time and i mostly did the listening and uh-huh uh huh all the way.
"ok the best options you have are dell, vaio and benq. jgn beli acer. cari tmpt vaio! vaio is the best!"
"owh ok ok. tp escalator dia rosak. my atuk tak bley naik tangga. kaki dia sakit."
"hah yeke? hmm takkan tak ade lift?"
at a Dell booth, my Atuk asked us to ask him where the Sony outlet was. me and my sister felt rude to ask the Chinese guy who was promoting Dell on where the Sony outlet is. but we asked anyway and he actually brought us to the existing lift and straight to the Sony store. how nice.
"ok, sya cari model vaio VGN-CR353. tu spec dia paling ok. umar baru check kat internet."
so i did. and it was soo.. pretty. it was available in pink, red, blue, gold and white. my sister being the girly girl that she is, picked pink. i picked white at first but my pc-guide aka Umar said "eh putih lawa tp nnt cpt kotor la. i suggest you take red."
ok, red is not my favourite colour but it was the only colour that was considered nice. so red was the answer. right now it doesn't matter whether it's red or blue or gold, having my own laptop is already enough.
but Umar didn't think so.
"haa sya, (in that excited voice of his or more specifically, his Seth Cohenesque way of talking about video games and such), sya dah ada laptop ni kan, ape kata sya beli modem wireless sekali? sng syaa. nnt sya bley surf internet senang."
i am a person who doesn't like to burden people. and i easily accept things, no matter how lousy they are, because i know there are more people out there who are less unfortunate than i am. so when you have already spend not-so-little amount of money on something, you would not want to spend more. but after much persuasion and thought about how it can benefit everyone, i bowed down.
so here i am,on my comfy bed, legs straight out in front me, typing away. best birthday present ever. i know i have done nothing to deserve such comfort and easiness, but i will. i'll work hard and make the most of what i have. Assignments, watch out for me! you'll be done in no time, heh heh heh (evil laugh)
thank you Atuk and thank you Umar. love you both.
