running with scissors

this scene never fails to make me laugh. this is Napoleon Dynamite doing the dance. enjoy :))

my patience is wearing thin. i've held myself back for too long of a time. i can't take it anymore. the constant blaming, the endless mockery and sarcasm, the never-ending problems, sacrifice after sacrifice; a person can only take so much. there's no more you and me. better end this now than kill each other later.

usually at this point, i'll be excited counting down the days till Raya which is 3 days away by the way. but i can't help feeling sad that my coursemates are leaving Shah Alam, or to be exact; leaving me :)) it sucks not to have a kampung. i do actually but it's only in PJ and that is 10 minutes away tops. when i on my ym, there's nobody there. so empty without people online. and i'll get bored, and actually wishing there are still classes so i can just go the faculty and see familiar faces. see how lonely i am? it's depressing. oh well, Raya pun tak kan nak sedih. i'm genuinely happy for my friends who had gone back to their hometown. i know how much you guys miss your family and bed and home so much. i don't have everyone's number so i'm gonna say it here.

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin!
Please forgive me for any wrongdoings that I've done.
Please know that if I have done something, it wasn't intentional.
It was merely because of my bad judgment or lack of understanding, or my level of bitchiness was higher than normal. One cannot blame the other for her out-of-control hormones ;)
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,

Nashrah Khan :)

Looked dead, didn't I? But I wasn't. But it wasn't from lack of trying, I can tell you that. Actually, Bill's last bullet put me in a coma - A coma I was to lie in for four years. When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a 'roaring rampage of revenge.' I roared. And I rampaged. And I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point, but I have only one more. The last one. The one I'm driving to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am gonna kill Bill.

-The Bride, Kill Bill

for the last couple of weeks or maybe a month or so, i was no longer interested in buying things. for the longest time i could remember, i haven't had the intention to check out the newest clothes or bags at Dorothy Perkins, shoes at Vincci, the cds at a music store, new books at MPH; i can't even remember the last time i entered a shopping mall. (SA mall and SACC don't count as there are not much there. :P) it's like my nafsu towards these materialistic stuff is gone. *gasp*

i don't get the feeling of excitement anymore when i see clothes or shoes or bags. maybe this is just a phase i'm going through or maybe the lack of moolah to spend or maybe i just don't go out much. oh pls God, let this be just a phase. i mean, i'm a normal 20-year old girl. right now, most girls my age are crazy about new things or vintage or retro or anything you like to call it. hundreds and hundreds of people are going to Bijou Bazaar on the weekends, at The Curve's flea market, to OU, to Sunway, to Mid, to Pavillion, to KLCC, to the many, many shopping malls Malaysia has.

so, during BEL test just now, i did an intervention. on myself.

since it was a two-hour paper and it was not that hard, i had time to berangan. oh yes, my specialty. i made a list in my head of the things that i wish i could have or buy.

The things that I wish I could have or buy list:

1. maybe a pair of pants or shirt or belt or anything from Rachel Bilson's line, Edie Rose
2. any piece of clothing from Mary-Kate and Ashley's line, The Row or Elizabeth and James
   
3. a pair of snuggly, comfy bootcut jeans that fit me just right.
4. a pair of snuggly, comfy skinny jeans that fit me just right
5. white skinny jeans
6. blue skinny jeans
   
7. a pair of Rayban wayfarer, preferably in red
8. nice wedges
9. a Matt Costa cd (kita kena support original) ok such a hypocritical line coming from me.
   
10. the latest Jack Johnson cd
11. a black and red chequered shirt
12. a new pair of curduroy Chuck Taylors. i've been wearing mine since i was 14. just imagine how it is now.
13. a nice bag, like the bag Mary is selling. (oh yes ppl, Mary tgh jual barang skrg. cari dia kalau nak baju or bag ok?)
14. a new pair of flats.
15. a nice white button-down shirt
16. a pair of khaki trousers. asyik pakai jeans je.
17. a nice haircut, maybe something like Anne Hathaway's current 'do
18. a nice massage. (poyo je)
19. Rachel Bilson as my best friend and her stylist as my stylist
20. a pair of nice Keds shoes
21. new underwear
22. a Fish Spa treatment. (tapi mahal sgt!)
23. any toy from Toys'R'Us
24. a trip to Mid's MPH or Borders or Kinokuniya (so i can be in my element again. ya Allah poyonyee)
25. a trip to the movies
26. ice cream M'sia
27. Baskin's banana split
28. air oren, air sirap, air mango, air ..

dah dah cukup la tu!

ok did my little intervention work? a little. i'm not fully myself yet, but these things take time.

i'll be ok. :)



(mcm kes berat je.)

will i be this little worm forever?

i want to be sure of myself and every thing around me but;
you keep telling me otherwise.
am i that nasty or mean?
i was just giving you everything you needed,
was that wrong? or unkind?
i apologize.

i love you, with all my heart;
and yet, you don't feel my presence.
you know, i don't feel me too.
how peculiar is that?

maybe we've outgrown each other or drifted apart,
maybe we're too comfortable
and suddenly that's not a good thing.
i can read your mind and unfortunately you can too,
these preconceived notions are never good,
especially when they're hurtful and true

what are we doing? playing with each other's hearts,
i don't know what's the next step
to stop or to continue,
i can barely do both,
can you?

happy birthday little sistah. may you grow wiser and brightah. :)

i love you like a Kak Sya who loves her frappie. :)

i feel naked (figuratively of course, don't get excited now).

exposed. very transparent. like i have my thoughts written all over my face and i can't hide it. like having to wear your secret on your body. oh this reminds me of an episode of CSI Las Vegas involving a really hairy brother and sister. Grissom said something like 'people get to hide their secrets, but they (referring to the hairy brother and sister) have to wear it.' how sad huh? ok back to what i was saying.

this feeling i'm feeling is not good. i always feel uncomfortable now, getting all sweaty and nervous like people can know how and what i feel and who i'm thinking about. for almost two years, i have kept my mouth shut until i can't take it anymore. by taking an advice, i finally did let it out and i do feel good and relieved but not so much cause the problem isn't resolved. i have to wait.

have you ever felt this way? you want to stop it, and let it go but it is not easy. it is never easy even though you think how much you have been suffering, been hurt but you can't just snip that string attached to you that easily. friends have told me to think about myself first, don't be a pushover, learn how to say no but it is not easy :(

i'm waiting for a sign. i've received a lot of my signs already but that's only according to me and i can get perasan very easily. ya Allah, please let me know. i can't wait anymore.

isn't she just vivacious?

the last few days have been odd. does anyone have a chill pill? i need to take it fast. everything's swirling and spiralling and i can't see or think straight. every thing is so ridiculous, i could cry or laugh like a crazy person. i have done that actually, but that is besides the point. ah i need a moment to cool down. like Summer down here.

now i know how frust menonggeng feels like. yes i am frustrated. mucho frustrated. or like aina's way of emphasizing things; uber frustrated. in every way. for 1 year and 10 months kinda way. for a week kinda way. for everything that i hoped for, for everything that i prayed for, for everything that i wished for. i am tired, i am sad, and i am crushed. everything. my mind my body my soul (eceehh). can i just give up?

all together now,
"All by myself, don't wanna be, all by myself...~"

ah. pooh. humbug.

jensen ackles

james franco

jeff buckley

james dean



their names all start with the letter 'J'!

cool huh? :)

ok it doesn't rhyme very well because i purposely did so and it is kinda lame but i wanted to do a poem that had a title "You Remind Me of You" just because. i had read a book a long time ago of the same title. it was about a girl who was anorexic and her boyfriend committed suicide. it was a book of poems. each poem tells us a bit of the story. how she coped with everything that happened. it's a story of love, grief, letting go, moving on, and survival. sad but inspiring. oh and it's a true story too!

"Intelligence is mucho sexy." :))



more random thoughts will come as i am Super Random-er :D

dahla nashrah. aku dah menyampah dgn kau ni. asyik cari masalah je. pastu nangis. complain of little things that shouldn't be complained about. such a loser man. get out of this shit already! ikutla nasihat2 org mcm "go f--- yourself nashrah!" oh what a great piece of advice. yeah im gonna do just that.

this is undeniably my favourite teen movie ever. i have other films that i like but this one tops the list. it was loosely based on Shakespeare's Taming of The Shrew and it was done in a very cool, you'll-never-guess-it's-Shakespeare-inspired way. it had Julia Stiles in it and also the late Heath Ledger. he was so young and very Australian in this movie as Patrick Verona. i can watch it over and over again and crack up at the jokes as if i'm hearing it for the first time. what i love about 10 Things I Hate About You is it was made in the '90s, the time that i miss the most and it had its own originality unlike other teen movies where it is all about sex or drugs or getting drunk. it reminds me a lot about growing up. plus the high school is so cool. the field is huge i tell you. wish i went to a high school like that.

share with me your favourite teen movies too!

karma karma karm carmen carm karma. i know i'm going through karma. seperti lagu Alicia Keys tu. "what goes around comes around what goes up must come down.." yes i am feeling it in every way. and i hate telling myself over and over again 'padan muke nashrah.' i suddenly remembered a friend on myspace. i added him because it was the first time i stumbled on a profile of a guy wearing serban and was 17 yrs old, living in Klang. i was intrigued and interested in his views. in one of our conversations, he talked about karma in religion. i can't remember what he talked about actually but it was wise. (sorry membazir masa anda baca 5 sentences yang ade kaitan tp tak ade isi ni).

the point is i am aware of my actions before and i knew what i did was terrible. i deserve every single bit of pain that i caused. but when does it end? when i want it to end? i can't because that means i have to throw away things that mean the world to me. yeah i'm hurt but it isn't fair to do so. when Allah decides to? i dunno when that's going to be either.

rainy nights usually make me happy cause the cold breeze mixed with the warm, snuggly blanket makes you more snuggly and dreamy and likely to snore all night. but tonight isn't one of those nights. lots of emotions are washing through me. sad ones mostly. but i don't want to sound like a sore loser.

i tend to over-analyze things and i can't handle myself when i do that. i'm too vulnerable, too trusting, and even too naive at times. too dreamy (note my previous post), too romantic though sometimes i come to an extent where i don't want to get married. i hope and wish too much. i relate to people's lives more than i should. i easily get attached to something without thinking that that thing might not have felt the same way. i get scared easily of what will happen. i miss too much. i love too much.

what if we were still talking now? would we be laughing? fighting? making up? i want to hear those three words said like they have never been said before. earnest, sincere, full of love, meaningful. i miss it. i miss what used to be.

will we stay close or drift apart? will we bore each other out till one of us give up? i'm scared. tell me, assure me that you're here and you won't go anywhere. cause i have a feeling you might.

Lena Kaligaris and Kostos,
Mr Buff and Sensitive
Ms Shy and Beautiful

Lena: He's right, Car. I am afraid. There's a part of me that wants to let him in but then I feel myself put this wall up and I don't understand why. Maybe that's what strikes me most about Kostos; that despite everything he's suffered he can still look at life in the most uncomplicated way. I've never known that kind of faith. It makes me so sad that people like Kostos and Bridget who have lost everything can still be open to love... while I, who have lost nothing, am not.

when times like these come (Ramadhan), i can't help but remembering my three loveable roommates back in Mawar during pre, Kak Aida, Kak Ana and Irma. we always had our sahur (very groggily) and buka (semua mesti terbaring kekenyangan) together and sometimes tarawikh. whatever mistakes i did, they would correct it and i would learn. they always made fun of me (jokingly of course) and i knew we cared for each other. i had the chance of yelling "Kak Aidaaaa!" during Merdeka celebration on Sat night. she was still the same and i can't believe almost 2 years has past. sigh.

yesterday, i was driving around in my car when a song that sounded like a late 90's and early 00's band came on. all of a sudden, i had a nostalgic moment. (hahaha) i really really miss the old times. bands like The Ataris, Linkin Park, The Wallflowers, Cake, Prana were the ones who helped me grew up. the people who i've had some form of relationships in the past also popped up in my head and i would go into yoga ohhmm-ohhmm mode to try to forget it all. no matter how hard i try, i can't. they are tattooed into the inside of my skull. and yeah, it hurts too.

thinking about Mawar, i remembered my first week there. it was the worst. Worst i tell you and i am not kidding. maybe it's not the worst in history but if anyone can top it, please let me know and we shall share our misery together.

what i went through during MMS week:

1. said something to someone that resulted in a semester-long heart-wrenching episode which ultimately changed my life
2. had a roommate who was not so friendly and busy all the time so i was mostly alone
   
3. had a bleeding nose (it was literally dripping) in the toilet with only a towel on and no water
4. had to cover my nose with one hand and called my friend on the other
5. had to cross over to another building just to wash my nose and take a freakin shower
6. almost passed out on the way to Pusat Islam from Mawar
7. the Naib Timbalan Canselor (i think) at the time didn't let us go home. i cried unashamedly in Dewan Sri Budiman. i went home anyway.

i couldn't remember the point i wrote this. i just had to let it out. i guess i'm not an organized writer after all. i've kept this for a long time so it feels good to express them. number one literally did change my life. all the things that i knew, i loved and i missed were gone. i don't know why i'm still holding on to it. i think i have good faith. or im just weak. even if it was the worst time of my life, there are good things that came out of it. lots of good things. i'm not sure i see it though. hopefully this Ramadhan can clear it all. maybe Allah can show me a way to be truely happy and satisfied with what i have now rather than lament and reminisce. it's not good for your head. i will forget everything and move on. yes, Nashrah you can!


if you think it's about a guy, yes it is. just wanted to make it clear. since i'm all over the place :)) sorry about that.