disparus de vous
I miss the days, late November up until January this year, when it was only me, my Atuk and Uncle Musa, going for our daily visits to see arwah. We would sheepishly cry and recite yaasiin together, and have breakfast after. Him, a cup of hot lemon tea, with two sets of roti bakar, and me, the same, maybe the occassional nasi lemak (I eat like a horse), only difference, iced milo by the side. And we would talk, about what we're going to do that day, "Atuk ada meeting hari ni?," I would ask and he would only shake or nod his head. Sometimes we eat in silence, and me and Uncle Musa would joke around with our own inside jokes, with my Atuk depicting a forlorn look on his face. Probably thinking of Nenek, I suppose.
Our visits to arwah's grave were not the only thing that was regular; our visits to Kluang Station in Tesco Extra became regular too. Every time I went up to the cashier to order, the Chinese guy would exclaim, "hey sudah lama tak nampak awak. Saya tunggu saje bile awak mau datang. Tadi nampak kereta, saya tau itu awak," with a smile. Eh PAUSE. He was being friendly tau, not in a freaky stalker way, seriously. Ok sambung.
Doesn't it feel nice to have a stranger who recognises you and acknowledges your presence too? And to have a small amount of anticipation in them to want to see the usual girl clad in jubah, hand in hand with her grandfather. It feels nice, just a subtle action of my heart doing little cartwheels. It helped, at the time, with the grieving. It didn't burden me, to have to look after my Atuk, and to eat with him, to just be with him. It was all a pleasure, loved every moment of it. I felt responsible, if anything ever happens to him, I would be held responsible.
Now I miss those times. Assignments have robbed me of the time I could have gone to see her, and because of the demands of being a university student were too much, at one point, I didn't visit for three weeks. Menses was one of the reasons, but still, my heart did not do little cartwheels anymore. It just stood still, beating normally and incessantly. I didn't even speak that much with my family even though I stay at my own house. I missed them, and they were only inches away.
I just hope during this time, now and before finals, I could make up for what I lost. Precious time with loved ones. Miss my darlings ever so much.
<3
I just hope during this time, now and before finals, I could make up for what I lost. Precious time with loved ones. Miss my darlings ever so much.
<3
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