leaving on a jetplane
just like what the title says, I'm leaving but for just 12 days and for a good cause indeed. I'll be performing umrah with my family :) I feel so fortunate to have the chance once again. Thank you Allah for giving me and my family the time, the rezeki, the opportunity, the easiness to do this three times already. Well at least for me. I guess third time's the charm. It does worry me to have to skip classes for three days, especially during this time where assignments are piling up and quizzes are due after midsem break. But I'm doing this for myself, for Allah and of course, for arwah.
Going to Madinah and Mecca, the holiest city in the world, is what I have been waiting for all this time. Each time I felt lost and needed guidance, I wished and wished I was there. Just desperate for the feeling of peace and serenity, and at the same time, the feeling of vulnerability only to Him. Somehow, even though after attending the umrah course yesterday and seeing all the pictures that brought all the memories I had there, the feeling of sadness overwhelms me tonight. This feeling always come whenever I'm going to jet off somewhere as if I'm leaving something precious behind. The feeling of homesick. Silly isn't it, when the fact that every member of my family is going too. Maybe because every thing is so emotional now, that it's hard to bear.
During my last visit there, it was only me and my sister and both of my grandparents, along with some other family members, my parents and two sisters excluded. Me and my sister shared the same room with my grandparents and it was lovely. She would wake us up for subuh and we would hurry to make it to the mosque. It was me who held arwah's hand during tawaf. I remembered how she cried and sniffled beside me seeing Kaabah. It was us who walked with her to Masjidil Haram and prayed with her. Now she's not here anymore and I don't know how it will feel like going there without her.
Maybe leaving her here in Malaysia for 12 days is what making me sad. Or going there without her. I guess it's a mixture of both. This emotion I'm feeling is just too sad. I can't describe it into words. It's grief, the feeling of longing for someone who's not coming back, the fact that I have to accept that life goes on and she's gone all wrapped into one. Everyday I ask Him for strength. It's very much needed. I don't want to cry, it makes me feel weak, but tears would just come pouring down whenever I think about her, when I can't see her cause I'm too busy with classes and assignments, even when I tried on her Crocs that she used to wear for umrah so I can wear them this Thursday. She had such small feet, and that led me to think about her size, her height, her face. The face that I miss everyday. The face that I miss to kiss.
I hate myself for being weak. I should be smiling and be excited. I am really, but the feeling of grief is much stronger. But time and time again, I remind myself that we are all going because that is what she would have wanted to do. We are all going because of her. My Grandpa said it was her intention of performing umrah again this year but sadly, she didn't have the chance. It's alright, I think I should motivate and really tell myself that she is happy knowing we are doing this. Maybe she's smiling. Maybe she really is happy. And when I'll be there Insyaallah, I'm gonna smile my widest smile just to show her.
Please pray for my family and me, that we will have a safe departure and a safe return as well. Flying somewhere far always gets me nervous. And don't you worry, each one of you will be in my thoughts and in my prayers. I am going to miss you. :)
Going to Madinah and Mecca, the holiest city in the world, is what I have been waiting for all this time. Each time I felt lost and needed guidance, I wished and wished I was there. Just desperate for the feeling of peace and serenity, and at the same time, the feeling of vulnerability only to Him. Somehow, even though after attending the umrah course yesterday and seeing all the pictures that brought all the memories I had there, the feeling of sadness overwhelms me tonight. This feeling always come whenever I'm going to jet off somewhere as if I'm leaving something precious behind. The feeling of homesick. Silly isn't it, when the fact that every member of my family is going too. Maybe because every thing is so emotional now, that it's hard to bear.
During my last visit there, it was only me and my sister and both of my grandparents, along with some other family members, my parents and two sisters excluded. Me and my sister shared the same room with my grandparents and it was lovely. She would wake us up for subuh and we would hurry to make it to the mosque. It was me who held arwah's hand during tawaf. I remembered how she cried and sniffled beside me seeing Kaabah. It was us who walked with her to Masjidil Haram and prayed with her. Now she's not here anymore and I don't know how it will feel like going there without her.
Maybe leaving her here in Malaysia for 12 days is what making me sad. Or going there without her. I guess it's a mixture of both. This emotion I'm feeling is just too sad. I can't describe it into words. It's grief, the feeling of longing for someone who's not coming back, the fact that I have to accept that life goes on and she's gone all wrapped into one. Everyday I ask Him for strength. It's very much needed. I don't want to cry, it makes me feel weak, but tears would just come pouring down whenever I think about her, when I can't see her cause I'm too busy with classes and assignments, even when I tried on her Crocs that she used to wear for umrah so I can wear them this Thursday. She had such small feet, and that led me to think about her size, her height, her face. The face that I miss everyday. The face that I miss to kiss.
I hate myself for being weak. I should be smiling and be excited. I am really, but the feeling of grief is much stronger. But time and time again, I remind myself that we are all going because that is what she would have wanted to do. We are all going because of her. My Grandpa said it was her intention of performing umrah again this year but sadly, she didn't have the chance. It's alright, I think I should motivate and really tell myself that she is happy knowing we are doing this. Maybe she's smiling. Maybe she really is happy. And when I'll be there Insyaallah, I'm gonna smile my widest smile just to show her.
Please pray for my family and me, that we will have a safe departure and a safe return as well. Flying somewhere far always gets me nervous. And don't you worry, each one of you will be in my thoughts and in my prayers. I am going to miss you. :)
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8 tissues:
hope this journey will define the new you. I hope you will have a very good time there. have a safe journey.
make her proud ok?!
and dun forget to bring nice pics and souvnrs back here! wud LOVE to see them pics!
You're so lucky, able to fly ther, you know. Pray for me going there too. sobs.
:') be strong, kak sya :)
you lucky girl!
pray for us all k?
doakan kejayaan dunia akhirat.
:)
taufiq, aww thank u so much. i really hope for that too. my mind is pretty messed up rite now and i very much hope this holy trip will help me find my way. i hope ill have a good time too :) thanks!
moja, oh i will! :) oh and ill definitely take sum nice pics for u to see. but with my dodgy camera, i can only pray for the best :)) and some souvenirs too hehe. yes, i am lucky and i am so grateful i have this chance :) i will pray for u and everyone to be able to step foot on the holy city, insyaallah!
syrrul, awww thank u so much :) ill do my best :)
azie, yes i am! :) i will definitely. u guys will never leave my prayers :)
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