numb
Listening to Kissing A Fool sung by Michael Buble now. Everything is so melancholic. Can't help it; losing someone you love does that to you. Kak No had her convocation today. Sadly I couldn't go, occupied with things at home, so Pa and Ma went all clad in purple attire as it is Kak No's favourite colour. It bummed me a lot to not have the chance to see my sister walking up the stage to receive her degree certificate from the infamous Prof. Ibrahim Abu Shah. She said his speech was so long, about an hour and all through the speech, his enthusiasm never faltered. Must have been hilarious to listen and watch. My dad was all hot and bothered over it cause it was full of politics. Men and their interests continue to fuel them. Kak No took pictures with her friends and Pa and Ma. I doubt we'll get the photo framed cause Ma just had to have her eyes closed. This had happened so many times, we smell sabotage planned all along. Ma can be pretty sly sometimes. Ok, I'm kidding Ma.
I knew how Kak No wished Nenek was here. Atuk said she really wanted to go to Kak No's convocation and see her graduate. Though the chance never came up, we knew she was here watching us. We just couldn't see her. I also knew everyone tried to be strong, to not well up, at the thought of her not being here. Kak No got bouquets of roses from Pa and Ma and our aunty. She deliberately bought another bouquet of red roses for Nenek. "We'll put it on her grave." That's nice," I thought, "Nenek loved roses."
In the afternoon, me, Kak No and Pa, went to visit her. Greeted with her a salam, recited Yaasiin, Al-Fatihah and our own prayers for her. Then we slowly pluck out the roses out of the bouquet we bought for her and arranged them on her grave. Pa lacked skills in flower arrangement that I had to stifle a laugh. Six red roses aligned on the top and bottom of her grave. It looked really beautiful. I hope she likes it. We greeted her goodbye and promised to come back tomorrow. Each step I took back to the car, my body felt heavy. The feeling of seeing her for just a while and going back to an empty house without her is unbearable. It wears me down.
I thought I could handle it. I can't. Each post in this blog that is written about her doesn't make me feel better. Cause I know she is not coming back. I can't hear her voice anymore, I can't touch her anymore, I can't see her face anymore. I only have memories in my head and I feel like kicking myself cause they all seem so vague. I don't understand why. I had to sit and think or see her things then only the memories will appear vivid. Sometimes, sudden flashbacks come to me. My heart breaks each time. My heart isn't whole now. I don't know when the pieces will patch themselves back up again but I doubt it will be a short time. I would have to wait.
I miss her terribly. Who's going to hear my stories now? Who's going to laugh at my silly jokes? Who's going to love seeing me eat? Who's going to comfort me when I'm sad? Who's going to be there for everything I will go through? I miss you so much that I feel like dying each time I remember you. Talking to friends helps, see them happy helps, being comforted by them helps, but it can only do so much. I'm beyond devastated. I'm turning numb. Never thought grief will cause so much damage.
Yeah I walk around the house with a relaxed pose and eat a lot like I usually do. I try hard not to imagine her sitting across me in the kitchen, or in her chair watching tv or outside with her plants. I do all that. I imagine a lot. But when reality comes knocking, all the imagination goes down the drain. She is not here anymore Nashrah! She's gone!
I can't handle this. I just can't.
I knew how Kak No wished Nenek was here. Atuk said she really wanted to go to Kak No's convocation and see her graduate. Though the chance never came up, we knew she was here watching us. We just couldn't see her. I also knew everyone tried to be strong, to not well up, at the thought of her not being here. Kak No got bouquets of roses from Pa and Ma and our aunty. She deliberately bought another bouquet of red roses for Nenek. "We'll put it on her grave." That's nice," I thought, "Nenek loved roses."
In the afternoon, me, Kak No and Pa, went to visit her. Greeted with her a salam, recited Yaasiin, Al-Fatihah and our own prayers for her. Then we slowly pluck out the roses out of the bouquet we bought for her and arranged them on her grave. Pa lacked skills in flower arrangement that I had to stifle a laugh. Six red roses aligned on the top and bottom of her grave. It looked really beautiful. I hope she likes it. We greeted her goodbye and promised to come back tomorrow. Each step I took back to the car, my body felt heavy. The feeling of seeing her for just a while and going back to an empty house without her is unbearable. It wears me down.
I thought I could handle it. I can't. Each post in this blog that is written about her doesn't make me feel better. Cause I know she is not coming back. I can't hear her voice anymore, I can't touch her anymore, I can't see her face anymore. I only have memories in my head and I feel like kicking myself cause they all seem so vague. I don't understand why. I had to sit and think or see her things then only the memories will appear vivid. Sometimes, sudden flashbacks come to me. My heart breaks each time. My heart isn't whole now. I don't know when the pieces will patch themselves back up again but I doubt it will be a short time. I would have to wait.
I miss her terribly. Who's going to hear my stories now? Who's going to laugh at my silly jokes? Who's going to love seeing me eat? Who's going to comfort me when I'm sad? Who's going to be there for everything I will go through? I miss you so much that I feel like dying each time I remember you. Talking to friends helps, see them happy helps, being comforted by them helps, but it can only do so much. I'm beyond devastated. I'm turning numb. Never thought grief will cause so much damage.
Yeah I walk around the house with a relaxed pose and eat a lot like I usually do. I try hard not to imagine her sitting across me in the kitchen, or in her chair watching tv or outside with her plants. I do all that. I imagine a lot. But when reality comes knocking, all the imagination goes down the drain. She is not here anymore Nashrah! She's gone!
I can't handle this. I just can't.
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2 tissues:
I miss her too :(
oh i dont know how it feels to lose someone so close.
it must be devastating.
but u must be strong nashrah.
keep eating lots!
just keep remembering she's in a place much much better than here.
:)
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