i am depressed
Losing someone you love makes you feel that way. You grieve, you mourn, you feel better after a while, then falls back into mourn mode. It's like a cycle really. A cycle of which I do not know when it will bring itself to a halt. I try, really I do. I force myself to eat a lot, though I don't feel like I want to. I purposely did so, pretending my second helping was what my Grandma would've eaten if she was still here. I make stupid, really dumb jokes just to get the mood of everyone going though I know they're lame and won't work. I say 'okay' with enthusiasm a lot lately whenever I ask my Grandpa on whether he has taken his meds, or whether he wants to eat or wants to sleep. I waste time, like surfing the net into the wee hours of the morning like what I'm doing now when I should be sleeping. And one minute I'm laughing with Umar and suddenly the next, I would burst into tears without giving any warning. Poor guy.
Everything is just so different. You can pretend as much as you like, but you can't deny the feeling of loss surrounding you. Like my Grandpa said a few days after she went, "Rumah ni dah hilang seri." I agree Tuk. But sadly we can't bring her back, so for the time that we have now, let us be your 'seri'. I feel like saying that to him, but it would make him cry more. A rub on the back was all I gave.
I can't imagine losing the one person who you have shared everything with. As much as it hurts for me, it hurts a thousand times more for my Grandpa. She was his everything. He had hoped she would come back home, we all did. I would cry each time memories of us going back and forth to the hospital every night to visit her and see her and kiss her and dying to know every little progress she had made that day popped in my head. My hopes were high, I felt like I just knew she would recover and be herself again, not tied up to all kinds of tubes. But they were dashed, and I died a little.
Truthfully speaking, I don't care if I watched Twilight a week late, or the fact that everyone around me is having fun with their holidays, or that I'm unemployed and can not earn any money to buy the things that I want or go out as much as I want to. Sacrifice is a huge thing and when you sacrifice the things that you want over family, you know you have grown. Maybe this is one of the 'hikmahs' of her passing. To make me, my sisters, my mother, my aunts and uncles, cousins more mature and deal with the cruel, hard facts of life and bringing us all together. And it really shows. On weekends after visiting her, we all would go out and have breakfast at the kopitiam and talk about each other's current on-goings. "Ano, skrg keje ok?" "Ok, tp boss Ano tu kan ishh ..." , "Kak Nana, tudung cantik, beli katne?" "Oh kat Hajaba, ni yg Ekin pakai tu", "Jwa, camne driving skrg? Ok?", "Ok , jwa tgh takut computer test", "Sheen makan berapa banyak ni? Ish ish." "Biar la saya nak makan, perut saya."
It's nice.
Even things at home. Now, my mother, my sisters and me are bonding over guess what? Online shopping blogs. Yep, strange but true. We may not share the same opinions on most things, but bags and shoes and clothes? oh yeah we do love them. I am currently waiting for my Bubble Coat from the-shoplifters.blogspot.com hee. Guess this is the only way to purchase new things since I can't go out much. Thank you God for creating brilliant human beings who create the WWW. Alhamdulillah.
And yes, Alhamdulillah, for giving us what we have now. What we crucially need at this point of time. Love. A whole lot of it. You just know what to give us to help us go through this. I could not ask for more.
Everything is just so different. You can pretend as much as you like, but you can't deny the feeling of loss surrounding you. Like my Grandpa said a few days after she went, "Rumah ni dah hilang seri." I agree Tuk. But sadly we can't bring her back, so for the time that we have now, let us be your 'seri'. I feel like saying that to him, but it would make him cry more. A rub on the back was all I gave.
I can't imagine losing the one person who you have shared everything with. As much as it hurts for me, it hurts a thousand times more for my Grandpa. She was his everything. He had hoped she would come back home, we all did. I would cry each time memories of us going back and forth to the hospital every night to visit her and see her and kiss her and dying to know every little progress she had made that day popped in my head. My hopes were high, I felt like I just knew she would recover and be herself again, not tied up to all kinds of tubes. But they were dashed, and I died a little.
Truthfully speaking, I don't care if I watched Twilight a week late, or the fact that everyone around me is having fun with their holidays, or that I'm unemployed and can not earn any money to buy the things that I want or go out as much as I want to. Sacrifice is a huge thing and when you sacrifice the things that you want over family, you know you have grown. Maybe this is one of the 'hikmahs' of her passing. To make me, my sisters, my mother, my aunts and uncles, cousins more mature and deal with the cruel, hard facts of life and bringing us all together. And it really shows. On weekends after visiting her, we all would go out and have breakfast at the kopitiam and talk about each other's current on-goings. "Ano, skrg keje ok?" "Ok, tp boss Ano tu kan ishh ..." , "Kak Nana, tudung cantik, beli katne?" "Oh kat Hajaba, ni yg Ekin pakai tu", "Jwa, camne driving skrg? Ok?", "Ok , jwa tgh takut computer test", "Sheen makan berapa banyak ni? Ish ish." "Biar la saya nak makan, perut saya."
It's nice.
Even things at home. Now, my mother, my sisters and me are bonding over guess what? Online shopping blogs. Yep, strange but true. We may not share the same opinions on most things, but bags and shoes and clothes? oh yeah we do love them. I am currently waiting for my Bubble Coat from the-shoplifters.blogspot.com hee. Guess this is the only way to purchase new things since I can't go out much. Thank you God for creating brilliant human beings who create the WWW. Alhamdulillah.
And yes, Alhamdulillah, for giving us what we have now. What we crucially need at this point of time. Love. A whole lot of it. You just know what to give us to help us go through this. I could not ask for more.
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2 tissues:
nasrah,
be strong.
bykkn bca quran n smyg n doa. u knw bt suma tu kan?
im pretty sure u xnk dia sedih dkt sn kan?
so u kn bt suma ni.
if u cried setiap hari,dia akn seksa sbb sdh tgk anak cucu n suami dia sdh after dia kn tgglkn dunia.
u r lucky than me.
at least she stayed with u.
u blh spent byk wktu msa dia ada dlu.
unlike me,i stay far away. dia jauh. n my granny mati bln mac 2 days after mengundi witout any sign. meaning lps 2 ari i saw her,gurau snda,plk2 n all dia dh xde. xde skt or else. n after a month,my greatgranny plk mati.
semua org akn rndu yg dh mati but cranya hnya dgn sedekah ayt2 quran n doa.
dont cry anymore. she dont deserved that i ges. dia prlukan doa2 yg baik. :)
n me sbb syg my granny n greatgranny i only cried msa ari pertama mrka mati. till now,xsggp nk ngis sbb xnk mrka skt dkt sn. :)
ada yg lbh kehilangan dri kita. n now,i knw how MUCH u love her.
sorry,sgt pjg but hope this can help u nasrah. :)
oh thanks irma-ain :) i really appreciate this. yes i do all of them. i pray for her, read yasin to her every day without fail. well, maybe during my menses i won't but she's still in my prayers. i try my best to make everybody smile again and i don't cry as often as i used to the past couple of weeks so i guess it's a good progress. i know she's happy now, healthier than ever. thanks so much irma. u made my day :)
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