running with scissors

yes i know Ramadhan is over, and Syawal has arrived for four days now, yet the passing of Ramadhan still makes me sad. almost equal to the feeling of breaking up with someone. you see him again, and reconcile, and make amends, and then you feel happy; but just for a month. and he has to leave and come back another year. it is as certain as tomorrow or day and night, but so uncertain in a way that you're the one who might not be here next year when he comes. i remember my last terawikh. the Imam would always cry because he can't bear this month to leave him. to not have the privilege of terawikh or fasting anymore. though he recited and prayed in Arabic which i did not understand, i could feel the sadness and my heart whimpered like nobody else's. when he came to pray in Malay, now that's when my tears started pouring down. my mum started to sob beside me and who can stand hearing their mothers cry? not me, so my tears poured down more. who knows? i might not be here anymore next year, how am i gonna earn my good deeds for the afterlife? praying 5 times a day , avoid sin and be good to your parents and family aren't enough. i got scared. i have faith , slowly growing stronger each day, but i still commit sin intentionally and unintentionally, failing to fight temptations that always come my way now and then. i failed myself a thousand times, but worse i failed my parents and God. i know i can do better than this, but i will end up hurting people so i would always retreat and go back to my old ways. to be strong protecting your religion and faith is not as easy as it looks is what i have learned. so Raya wasn't as meaningful anymore. still, i had fun. a bit anyway. with the help of my looovveeely family. i love you guys more than ever.