Sorry I've been posting a lot of videos lately. Music speaks for you don't you think so? So I hope you get the emotions I've been feeling these couple of days. I find it difficult to translate them into words. So listen, feel and read between the lines. Enjoy.
"Love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
have a heart and try me
'Cause without love I won't survive"
Do you have an idea of what utter failure is like? Well, I have an example for you. Picture this; you thought you have improved yourself for the better, stress on the word 'thought' here, for years, and you've promised yourself you will never ever go back to where you were before, so you comfortably, in oblivion, maintained your position. You felt like what you wanted to achieve was realistic, something doable. Ahh but here's the thing, you never did change at all.
You are still the same, lame, bitter, naive person you were before. To add the cherry on top is the disappointment of others in you.
Failing to fulfill another person's expectations is one thing, but to fail yours? That is the heartbreaking part. When you thought you have done your best, given your all, but to find out all the hard work did not pay off. Now I hardly know where I stand, the good side or the bad, and I hardly know who I am anymore. What a great day it is everyone.
Today, we celebrate the birth of someone very special to, I believe, every Muslim in the world. I've been selawat-ing (omg what kind of grammar am I using dahla test on Sunday fail fail fail) on and off under my breath, before and after prayers. I miss the processions we usually do in school, with banners and the excerpt of the selawat in our hands, us students clad in colourful baju kurung and heels for the girls (dulu excited dapat pakai shoes other than the white ones) and baju melayu for the boys, but now I just watch the programs on tv. As weird and selfish and somewhat wrong as it sounds, I try my best to avoid talking or thinking about this day. But please do not get me wrong. It's not that I do not want to celebrate it, but it gets me sad and even teary-eyed to experience it every year. Mostly because, I miss him too much. There will never be another human being as great as him, and to have never gotten the chance to see his face or hear his voice is just heartbreaking for me. Everything that he has done for us, all the hardships he went through, masyaAllah, is just beyond my imagination. Even writing this post now is a bit difficult for me. So much for avoidance. I miss and I love. Salam Maulidur Rasul.
"Wake up everyone
How can you sleep at a time like this?
Unless the dreamer is the real you
Listen to your voice
The one that tells you to taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap and the net will appear"
I am hungry, for your words. Your sweet, delicate words. Please keep writing. Your words feed me with such tremendous satiation that I do not see the hardship in waiting for them every day.
In my previous post, I'd said that when I come back home, I will admit that my trip to Pahang was something worthwhile, and yup, it was not so bad after all. In fact, I kind of miss Pantai Sepat, the AJKs and the participants, especially my group, Fahrenheit (groups were to be named after units of measurement, how cool is that? hehe). The people were really nice, but I will probably never see them again, unless we set up dates. UiTM is big, along with the location of my faculty being sections away, but some of them live in Section 16. I might bump into them at Pak Su or something. (Take it easy, Nashrah. Shah Alam isn't that big. Plus, two of them have relatives in Section 11. Might just hang out at your house one day). However, the invitation to join their association was very, very tempting. (They have their own song. OWN SONG. Complete with gestures). Okay that's lame, but they were like a family. All in all, I had a nice, fulfilling weekend.
But I'm still hung up on the own society song thing. And my room mates were Ana and Yus, so currently, for some bizarre reason, I keep adding 'bha' to every sentence spoken. So yes, I am influenced. Yet another thing that fascinates me.
So how about it Moja? Can we have our own Ethos! song? hehehe
It stands for "Advanced Communication Skills Workshop", a program in which I volunteered to be a facilitator for Engineering students, along with Aina Banana, Yus, Ana and BJ. I'll be going tomorrow morning until Sunday, and it's held at Pantai Sepat, Pahang, a place I've never heard of. Yup, all the details are in here (points to head) but one question stands unanswered.
WHY DID I VOLUNTEER AGAIN?
Oh yes, it's coming back to me. I want to get the certificate; will give me some sort of credibility to my status as a student once I graduate. And yes, there is the mention of allowance. Money always gets people excited. And another reason is to gain experience. That is supposed to be the creme de la creme of the act of volunteering. To learn something, to get to know more people, to explore new things. Okay, I'm good.
But all my friends will be spending their three remaining days of mid semester break lounging in front of the telly, occasionally flipping through books, go out with their friends, take naps throughout the day and sleep soundly at night while I, me, moi, have to be a good sport and guide students through activities. Oh yesss, I can feel the feeling of envy and regret kicking in.
CERTIFICATE
ALLOWANCE
EXPERIENCE
NEW ACQUAINTANCES
These things should be hovering in my mind instead of;
COUNTLESS HOURS OF SLEEPING TIME
FOOD
BREAK FROM ASSIGNMENTS (yeah right, who am I kidding)
FREE TIME
I will have fun, I will have a great time, when the program finishes, I will look back and say "Gee, it wasn't so bad after all."
I love Robin Thicke. Yesss, his songs can a bit racy, okay a lot, with risque lyrics that make you blush blood red, but his songs are irresistible. Makes me want to dance. Out of all his songs, this is my favourite.
But the visual images you're about to see aren't so easy on the eye, especially for guys, though I think it's actually the opposite and what the song is actually about. Because trust me, you do not want to know. If I'd tap into your curiosity and you're not strong enough to resist this, you're on your own. Remember, listening for pleasure not for information. heeee
We don't have these kinds of successful boybands in Malaysia anymore do we? Now, the focus is on the Koreans. They're cute, but I remember the days when the craze was all about KRU. I adored Norman (please don't ask me why), my elder sister and younger sister loved Yusry and Edry respectively. We were part of the KRUMania. Hey, they were cool back then.
Oh another reason why it's here is because the songs give me energy to finish the pending assignments. A shocker but true.
I have a test tomorrow. My first ever quiz of the semester, so yes, instead of writing a post, I should be studying my head off. Eleven theories of how to teach writing must be mastered tonight and be delivered at 8.30 a.m. Lately and I think almost every morning, despite having five rounds of alarm set in my phone, strategically placed right beside my ear, fails to do what it is generated to do. Wake me up. I've become immune to the blaring (and very unattractive) sounds of my Sony Ericsson handphone but not to the ringing of phone calls. It somehow triggers some kind of wire in my head and magically wakes me up. I am really interested in finding out how it is possible to wake up to phone calls and not to ill-sounding alarms. That will be in my list.
Actually, the point of me writing and babbling nonsensical sentences is to distract myself from my own childish thoughts. Get over it, Nashrah! Stop obsessing! The past is past and the future of a writing test that is 10% (is it? does not matter, still has its marks) to be answered tomorrow morning is what entails you now. You are going to be fiiinneeee. Now go study.
I'm only a woman Of flesh and bone And I wept much We all do I thought I might die alone But I had never(x11) met you So baby be good to me I've got nothing to give you, you see except everything, everything, everything, everything All the good And the bad Cause I've been bad I've lied, cheated, stolen, and been ungrateful for what I had And I'm afraid habits rule my waking life I'm scared And I'm running in my sleep For you But all of the oceans and rivers and showers will wash it all away And make me clean For you Cause I had never(x15) met you
So let's take a loan out Put it down on a house In a place we've never lived in a place that exists In the pages of scripts and the songs that they sing And all the beautiful things That make you weep but Don't have to make you weak
Cause I never(x27) loved somebody The way I loved you.
Being exposed to the authentic literature text of Taming of The Shrew by William Shakespeare and not the adaptation, surprisingly strengthens my love even more for the latter version, not caring how it's simplified, how Julia Stiles was not even half as vicious as the 'real' one, and the text is made into a coming-of-age movie. Probably because, the acting was real, the actors were superb, and it had Heath. It will always be my favourite teen movie. Yup, not even Can't Hardly Wait or Never Been Kissed (James was in it, and you know how big my adoration for James is) can come close.
"Love lost is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn’t."
-Mitch Albom
To my cousins, I know you probably won't read this, but I'll write anyway. It is fate. We can't fight it, we can't do anything about it. We are powerless. If God says be it; so be it. You've had 25, 24, 23, 18, 15, 12 years with him, and yes, those years, no matter how many decades you have spent, will never ever be enough. For he was your strength, your everything. Life will be hard after this, no doubt, from accepting to moving on, but that is what it is. Life. It goes on, it can be taken away in a second, it can be well spent, or it can be thrown away. We all have choices, but we all do not have the choice to live forever. What we can do is be the best that we can ever try to be, to make life as wonderful as possible, so you will not regret much when it's your time to go. Your father was a great man, and I think he has nurtured and loved you six up until the point that he knew you are ready to face anything. And we share the same belief. Cry if you want to, mourn as long as you like, as grief is never easy. But do continue on being successful, being great sons and daughters to your mother, and stay together. You will be okay. Love.
