*awas, post ini might be a long one so bear with me and just read it patiently. this might also be a torturing sight for all you teslians who are really strict with your vocab and grammar and whatnot. or you tak yah bace pun takpe. hee saje je.*
I have so many emotions running through me that my proficiency in English doesn't allow me to express them in the best possible way. In other words, my English sucks. This holiday wasn't spent efficiently enough to improve them. Yes I read english books and watch english dramas but the effect that is supposed to happen when watching or reading a second language-oriented themed show or book did not rub off on me. So this post will be a rojak one; meaning I will mix both English and Bm. And I have never been known to express anything gracefully. Mesti tunggang terbalik, clumsy, klutzy, tak mcm perempuan lembut langsung.
Last Saturday, genap sebulan arwah pergi. I don't think semua org perasan. Maybe anak-anak nenek aka my mum and uncles and aunties ingat tapi maybe cousin-cousin tak semue yang ingat cause tied up with everyday activities. I remember, 20 november nenek pergi. The date that I will never forget. Hati ni sayu and sedih bila teringatkan nenek. A grandma who was always there for everything. Tapi depan parents, sisters, uncles and aunties and especially atuk, kene tunjuk a brave face. Nangis-nangis pun tak guna. She is not coming back. A friend of mine pun cakap, kalau nangis, arwah seksa di sana. Sebab teramat sayangkan nenek, I tried hard to refrain myself from crying. Trust me, it isn't easy. Everyday pun kena buat cam biasa. As if nothing happened. Hmm bukan exactly as if nothing happened, tapi kena tabah and tunjuk yang kita ni dah move on, padehal tak. Like the phrase Mdm Rosalind always use for drama, "putting on a facade." Yes, everyday facade lah yang saya pakai, nothing else. Bila sorang-sorang, atau malam menjelma, facade is slowly worn off and my weak self comes out. Selalu ngadu kat Umar, tak nak dkt kakak atau adik-adik or close friends sebab the last thing I want to do is to make them sadder so Umar lah jadi mangsa. And like every normal human being on the planet, we can only take so much. Bila dengar saya nangis kat telefon sambil tersedu-sedan cakap "Sya rindu dia, sya rindu dia" berulang kali, Umar terpaksa mengingatkan diri nya supaya sabar mendgr rintihan saya. Tak sangka saya telah membuat dia sampai camtu. Dia tak salah, saya yang telah membebankan orang. Since that day, I stopped myself from talking about her cause I know it makes people uncomfortable hearing me reminisce about every little thing she did. I understand. So I've kept quiet and only let Him hear me.
Things have changed really drastically for the past month. I'm mostly downstairs, not cooped up in my room like I always did, so I can attend to my atuk's needs. This is done everyday and I am proud to say I did it unselfishly. Bukan nak cakap apa, tapi ni satu achievement for me because before this, when she was here, I was selfish. I was this self-absorbed 20 year-old. I didn't care about anything but myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. very much. But I was mostly upstairs, minding my own business, coming down only when they need me. Now, I don't give a rat's ass if people my age are going out and having fun and saya tak. Saya tak kisah, I'm fine, because my atuk is fine and he is fine under my care. Knowing that can make my whole day. Heck, make it a year.
Ok, I'm a girl and of course time-time sale ni mana perempuan yang tak gile tarik-tarik rambut kalau tak dapat spend their money for precious things. I'm one of those girls (minus the pulling hair out act) and I want to buy things for myself for the next semester, for my own enjoyment, for my own happiness. Tapi saya tak boleh selalu keluar jadi I can kiss those sales goodbye. Saya nak beri tekanan kat sini bhw saya memang boleh keluar. Cuma tak boleh selalu. Jangan tunjuk 2 jari berbentuk L di dahi anda kat saya ye. Baru je tadi pegi The Curve bersama rakan lama yang menerima saya seadanya (ok takde kene mengene), tapi tahu tak apa yang halang saya untuk membeli-belah di The Curve yang cukup deserted without any people shoving each other just to walk around? Duit yang tiada. Ada tu ada tapi kalau habis digunakan, malu nak mintak lagi kat ayah. Duit bil telefon yang tertunggak untuk 2 bulan yang sepatutnya dibayar kpd mak saya belum lagi dibayar. Jadi nak bagi saya duit? Don't even think about it.
Hence, bila dah tak boleh selalu keluar and barang-barang yang dijual di kedai takdela murah sangat, I opted for online shopping blogs. My saviour. Thank you The Shoplifters kerana ada banyak barang yang cantik dan tak terlalu mahal dan juga kepada blog-blog yang lain yang best. Seronok melayari blog-blog ini and it does fill up my days at home. Kalau nak something, just send an email and details, gi bank in duit, and tunggu for the postman to deliver your package. Masa nak tunggu postman tu datang, aduh seronok sungguh rasanya. Cam menunggu present, tapi lain in a way kita sendiri bayar. Mak pun suka tengok juga bile saya tunjuk blog yang jual bag. Itu kegemaran dia. It makes my really, really happy seeing her browse through blogs and actually purchase something. Her happiness is mine of course. Adik-adik dan kakak pun begitu juga. Adik sayang korg.
Tapi di sebalik kegembiraan ini, ada setbacks nya juga. Saya dah buat dosa tanpa sedar. Sebab seronok sangat surf-surf blog and rambang mata semua, saya sampai terlupa nak zikir untuk nenek and doa untuk nenek. I had my menses last week so tak boleh nak solat. Kalau saya doa pun, masa sebelum tidur je. Bayangkan, saya doa untuk nenek sebelum tidur SAHAJA. Astaghfirullah. Ampunkan diri ku ini. Nenek, jangan marah kat adik. Adik memang salah :( Pemikiran saya juga terpesong. Asal dapat duit je, blog-blog ini lah the first thing that I would see. Ada benda baru tak? Ada murah tak? Itulah yang saya fikirkan. Takdelah sampai tahap lupa diri, tapi rasakan diri ni betul-betul tak betullah. Menyesal. Now I do it in moderation. Now I can solat and I read her Yassin twice a day and Al-Fatihah 7 times a day (masa solat 5 waktu and twice during every visit). Moga-moga nenek selamat kat sana. Lebih tenang, sihat and happy. Terlepas dari seksa api neraka dan azab kubur. That's all I want for her.
Oh and during the last couple of weeks, when accompanying my grandpa to pkns to renew his passport, my aunty browsed through books sold there and bought the book that we both searched a few days before at the Tabung Haji HQ, "Aku Terima Nikahnya". *Azie and Far, if you're reading this, yes I bought the book! heee* The book really opened up my eyes to a lot of things. A lot. I came close to crying a few times and laughed just the same. But honestly speaking, I stopped at the chapter when the author talked about his dad's death and all that. I could not go through the chapter so I put it down. I'm not a chicken, I was just unable to face it, it just hurts too bad. After a few days and a whole loadda courage, then only I manage to read it again. The book's lovely, and so true. I particularly like the chapter "Cinta Tanpa Syarat". Bila kahwin nanti or not too further up the bandwagon like couple skrg ni pun, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/hubby loves us with the hope of us returning the love or something back. But parents never expect that in return from us. They love us just the way we are without hoping balasan jasa kita. That made me cry. Betul apa dia ckp. That made me appreciate my parents more. Will I be that kind of parent one day? Insyaallah. ish sabar laa Nashrahhhh.
ok I know result baru keluar and I want to congratulate my friends who achieved Dean's List this semester. I'm really happy for you guys, don't know how you do it. You should be really proud of yourselves :) Ok sampai situ je nak ckp psl result. Terseksa jiwa nak type more. You know why.
What you're reading here, is what and how I feel for the past month. Sad, happy, sad, devastated, ok. So it's no wonder I'm a walking trainwreck sometimes. I'm trying my best to do everything I can to make everyone around me happy and everything around at its place. With utmost honesty, I can't wait to start the new semester just to see you guys again. I miss you, you, you and you. You who's reading this. Just to be sane again. see youu in less than a month!
