everything will be okay

9:11 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

Ma, Ezam, Kak No, Jwa, Sheen and In, if I could, I would sing this to you. but underneath my silly witty self, I am actually shy. (what an understatement!) so I'm just going to post it here, what I wish I could say to you so you can feel better and face what we face now with a smile. He gave us this so we can be stronger. and He did what He did because He loved our loved ones. everything will be okay, sooner or later.


I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

-Michael Buble, Lost

| 3 tissues

only heart

11:04 AM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the cheeks just for coming home

She could make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You gotta be careful when you've got good love
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying

But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh


Nek, I can't help myself but miss you. Wherever I set my eyes on in this house, I see you. I just wish I could have more time to spend and hear you speak. You don't know how much I yearn to have you back in this house smiling and laughing like always. I had only 20 years and it isn't enough. Far from enough. Such a short time to learn so many things about and from you. Be happy love, cause He has put you where you belong, in the most beautiful place you can imagine. I know this because I ask Him to do so every time I pray.

:(

| 1 tissues

surprise, surprise

10:33 AM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

I had the chance to meet my grandpa's doctor yesterday for his check-up and he was just like what you hear people say about doctors. Young or old, rookie or expert, intern or resident, they have to maintain their sense of 'callousness' when talking or attending to a patient's illness or even dying condition. He epitomizes that quality. Straightforward talk, poker face, tongue-in-cheek jokes, all but none inserted in his response to my grandpa's chronological details on my grandma's passing. "Wow, you outlived your wife. Most men don't." I couldn't help myself from smirking. First time since she died, that I encountered a person who talks about death without any hint of sadness. He's a doctor alright. Well, you don't expect a doctor to empathize and cry with you now, do you? Here's his thoughts on death.

| 1 tissues

you, yes you.

11:51 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan


You've got your ball,
You've got your chain
Tied to me tight, tie me up again.
Who's got their claws
In you my friend?
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock,
And sweet you roll
Lost for you, I'm so lost for you

Oh, and you come crash into me


-"Crash" by Dave Matthews Band

Labels: | 0 tissues

Twil.., shh.

1:10 AM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan


"ok get ready for my bitchy mood. pls no hard feelings. i need to let go. u know i do. ok ehem. (clearing throat)

perlu ke nk ckp dah beli ticket twilight? x semue org dpt tgk tau. org yg dah tunggu movie for almost a year, dah bace keempat-empat buku twilight saga ni, reread twilight byk kali cuz ske sgt sgt sgt kat cite dier, mimpi psl edward, hope to have what bella and edward have gile2, sanggup bg pinjam buku twilight kat kwn2 kerana nk share happiness of reading the book, sng ckp a humongous fan of the book x dpt tgk and dier x puas hati sbb semue org excited and dah book ticket nk tgk 1st day cite dier kuar and semue nk tulis kat blog. mestila kite bace and rase sedih. cam nak nangis. huhu.

ok im so sorry. i feel a bit better after writing dat. pls jgn amik ati and mrh. u actually helped without actually helping me. ok tgk twilight baik2."


- I actually wrote this comment on Moja's post. what have I become? mengucap Nashrah mengucap. Twilight tak akan lari ke mana. you'll get your chance to watch it.

this is one of the outcomes of my current situation, mood, feeling. everything is so hay-wired, I'm struggling to cope with it and be the best person that I can be for myself, my family and friends. and especially to Him and her. I'll be ok, InsyaAllah. yeah people always say that, but I wonder if it is completely true. Grief is the saddest emotion you can ever experience and it will definitely leave a mark forever.

Tabah.

| 3 tissues

11:04 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

i can't. i just can't. i'm in the weakest state i've ever been. my moments of weakness are countless; and those times were never okay. they were ugly. i could fall and bruise myself and may never heal. time does the trick, though now i might need a million years to accomplish that. give me strength please, give me all you got. i need it badly, tremendously.

| 4 tissues

Allahuakbar

1:07 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

إِنَّمَآ أَمْرُهُ إِذَآ أَرَادَ شَيْئاً أَن يَقُولَ لَهُ كُن فَيَكُونُ

"Verily, His command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, "Be!'' -- and it is!"

(Surah Yassin: 82)



Ya Allah, aku redha dengan pemergian dia. Aku sangat sedih ya Allah tapi apakan daya, aku hanyalah hamba mu yang lemah. Ada hikmah di sebalik semua ni. Dia pergi dengan tenang, dengan penuh keimanan. Aku bersyukur dan dapat menarik nafas lega kerana dia tidak lagi seksa menahan kesakitan dan keperitan. Dia pergi dengan kami semua di sisi. Aku mahu dia tahu yang aku sangat rindukan dia ya Allah. Hati ku kosong, fikiran ku kosong, hanya dia sahaja yang ku lihat, yang ku rasa, yang ku fikirkan. Bacaan Yassin, Al-Fatihah, doa-doa tidak putus kami sedekahkan kepada nya. Ya Allah, mudahkanlah perjalanannya melalui alam barzakh. Kau ampunkanlah dosa-dosa nya, cucurikanlah rahmat Mu ke atas rohnya. Semoga dia lagi tenang, lebih gembira berada di sisi Mu ya Allah. amin.



Thank you to all of you who had prayed for her. It's ok, I believe she is in a better place. It's her time. My heart aches whenever I think about her. It hurts to see any thing that belongs to her. Oh how I miss her so. her smile, her touch, her smell, her presence. It hurts too much. Ya Allah, ease my pain. I don't want to cry over her passing. Instead, I want to celebrate her life.


:'(


| 8 tissues

you control my shiver

7:28 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan



I like hospitals. People think that is silly. I love the smell when I enter it, the doctors and nurses, the wheelchairs, the emergency room, stethoscopes, slings on arms. Everyday someone is born in there, dies in there, cured in there. It seems like a special place. I like to dream that I was a part of it somehow. So I watch heaps of medical shows on tv. ER, Chicago Hope, Grey's Anatomy, House, Strong Medicine, Private Practice, anything, to sink my teeth into, just to get the feel of it. I didn't take Biology in school so I felt like I've missed out. Being a doctor seems so cool. When I was little, I loved going to hospitals without thinking that I was actually visiting someone who was sick. You weren't supposed to love the trip. You're supposed to be sad and empathetic. Now that I'm all grown up and my loved one is in there, is in that Critical Care Unit fighting for her life, I don't think I like it anymore.

Labels: | 3 tissues

i woke up in a strange place

1:43 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan


jeff buckley and his band
90's bands always looked so cool back then with their Doc Martens and button-down shirts, scruffy and unruly hair, with not a care in the world of how they looked. All they cared about was creating good music.
I had a pair of Doc Martens once. (keluar topic)

I'm being nostalgic, sorry.

| 0 tissues

11:31 AM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

Despite having done all the papers and am free from studying and staying up till the wee hours in the morning, I can't help but feel sad. When can I hear her voice again? I miss her presence in this house. It feels empty without her.

Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there, it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land
-The Fray, She Is
Nek, please come home. I miss you :(

| 1 tissues

12:07 AM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

We smiled so bright the sun went down
Rose above the maddening crowd
We lit the streets with the sweetest glow
We held the globe and made it turn
Wandered through the universe
The men of science observed through telescopes
All for love, we become
larger than lifesize, wondersome

- A Fine Frenzy, Lifesize

Labels: | 2 tissues

afroze/keproze/fro

11:05 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

She was just like me back in high school. The one who would just lay low but gossip with friends at the back of the class. She was smart; scored every paper but never would boast about it. She is the kindest person I know. I'm really happy to have her as a friend, and proud too cause she came out of her shell, literally. She did all these in this year alone.
  1. got excellent results for her Quantity Surveying course (it ain't easy)
  2. rocked a short hair 'do. she never had it short. she had to cut it due to a health problem. (it takes a lot of guts to cut your forever long hair tau. for example, the girls on ANTM who cry when they have to cut their hair during makeover time). She looks just like Sharifah Amani.
  3. is in a relationship for the first time. all this while, she had always been the 'buddy'. now she has one of her own and I'm so happy for her. and she scored a cute, really nice, older guy plak tu! and did I tell you he's in a band? gahh.
  4. sings in a band. not just any band. a rock band. when she told me this, i screamed.





Fro, I'm really really proud of you and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Happy 20th birthday :)


p.s: her birthday was yesterday. was so tired celebrating it; didn't have a chance to post this earlier hehe.

Labels: | 2 tissues

some people worth mentioning

1:03 AM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

I am awkward at times. I giggle and make heh-heh sounds when I'm nervous. People find it annoying, or funny. Being laughed at makes me squirm a little. In a way, you are actually being compared to the guy wearing specs that Helga always knocks down in Hey Arnold. Sad, isn't it? I wonder how people can actually be close to me or want to have any sort of connection with me. me, for goodness' sakes. the girl with the tahap ke-frappy-an yang melampau. That's why Aina, Nabil, Pana, and Fahmi are amazing. Yes, they are. When Aina called me to join her study group, I was happy. My grandma was sick and all, I couldn't make any sense of any sentence I read. Umar even said, it's kind of a blessing in disguise. At times like these, you're truely in need of friends. And yes, it was. They really did make me feel ok. They helped. They really helped. Memorized hiragana like crazy, vocab, greeting, the whole enchilada. They cared. One of 'em actually dragged my butt down to Aina's house to study Edu Psycho together because I 'tak habis baca lg. I risau. I tak boleh. (frappy alert frappy alert)' 'Takpe, kita tolong sama-sama. Kita boleh Nashrah, you jangan risau lah.' I'm glad I went and studied with you guys. Best la. Imagine befriending people who actually care about you and your studies. Yep, they're cool like that.

Domo arigato gozaimashita! (bow)

oh here's a four-leaf clover to bring you guys good luck :)




ok I know it's kinda lame. but it's to show how much I appreciate what you guys did. it's sort of cute jugak kan? hehe.

Ja mata!

| 4 tissues

i want you, i need you. oh baby oh baby

12:32 AM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

it's ok, I'm still the Nashrah who does not call anyone baby unless referring to an infant. it's a line from the movie 10 things I hate about you. the suspense was intentional. anyhoo,


I was waiting for my ride home from the hospital when I saw a woman wearing a Chanel quilted bag in grey. and my heart skipped a beat. well two. ok three. I've been interested to own that bag since forever. I'm not much of an avid shopper but there are some staple things a girl/woman/lady must have and this is one of them. well, at least for me hehe. Its price is ridiculous; so that's why I vowed to purchase it once I'm employed and can earn my own living. oh Chanel quilted bag, wait for meeee.







well lookie here. Rachel has one in red. ooh la la.




just wanted to post this, since I'm all psyched for psycho tomorrow. yes I am being sarcastic. good luck studying. toodles oodles odles dles les es s. :)

| 2 tissues

carry you home

8:43 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan



Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?
 Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high; running wild among all the stars above
 Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

-James Blunt, "High"


| 2 tissues

you are my sunshine

7:26 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan



"Sayang, sabar eh. Sebut Ya Allah banyak-banyak. Insyallah sayang. Dua, tiga hari nanti sayang balik eh. Kita jumpa. Sabar-sabar."


Guess who said that to my grandma?


My Grandpa!


55 years of marriage and still going strong.


My Grandma responded by moving her hand (!) and struggled to open her eyes.


Rasa cam nak nangis; but she's on the road to recovery :)

friends, thank you is not enough to express how I feel towards you guys. berkat doa kita, she's slowly getting better. lungs getting clearer and her blood pressure's increasing which is a good thing in her case. May Allah bless you guys. Love you. :')



haa seee, told you she was a fighter.

Labels: | 6 tissues

3:08 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan





Where'd the days go? When all we did was play
 And the stress that we were under wasn't stress at all
 Just a run and a jump into a harmless fall

-Paolo Nutini, "These Streets"






Labels: |

hope springs

10:50 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

I touched your hand,
I kissed your forehead,
I said "Nenek, ni adik ni, nek ok tak?"
Ma said, "Mak, esok Jwa nk periksa. doakan dia eh Mak,"
and you,
lifted your eyebrows.
"Mak sakit ye Mak?"
you nodded.
a few minutes after, no more nods or eyebrow lifts.
yet, Alhamdulillah.



it might not mean anything to some people, but to me, it meant everything. you responded. you hear us. suddenly, there's hope again. thank you Ya Allah.

Labels: | 5 tissues

sayang,

1:58 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

It's raining heavily now. I'm wondering how you are, in that room, alone. I miss you so much. Eating alone makes me sad. Seeing your empty chair, it's almost surreal, knowing you're not at home. I'm worried. Every phone call from Mama makes me crazy. Waiting for a phone call is agonizing, beyond torturous. Giving Kak No food, medicine, asking whether she wants anything reminds me of the day when you were sick. I wish I could do it all over again because you're close to me, in my sight. But you're not now and I can't do anything. I can't read, I can't study, I can't watch the telly with ease knowing you're in the hands of someone else.


Yes, you’re in a good hospital. Yes, you have nurses and doctors watching over you. But they are no Meredith, or Izzie or George. They’re used to this already. They’re used to see me cry over your bed, holding your hand, whispering “Nenek, ni adik ni. Nek boleh dengar tak?” They probably see this every day.

I pray to God to give you strength and to save you from this. I know you're strong, you always have been. You've been a fighter all your life. Come arthritis, eye problems, joint problems, you don't care. You shrug it off. "Eleh, Nenek sakit-sakit ni pun, Nenek still boleh masak, berkebun. bagitau Nenek, apa yang Nenek tak boleh buat?" you said it, with a smirk. "Hehe, yee Nenek kuat lagi," I said.


I'm not ready to let you go. I need you. I want you to be there when I graduate, to see me succeed. It doesn't matter if I go against all odds, if you're not here, it seems worthless. I'm waiting for you to come home. I don't know what to do Nek. I'm trying my best, to be optimistic for the sake of Kak No, Jwa and Sheen. Jwa nak SPM nanti. Adik ada lagi 2 paper. I don't know if we are able to do it without you here with us.


But I know, I just know it that Allah will save you. Ni ujian utk Nenek, untuk kita semua. You will be ok. We all will. When you come home nanti, I'll be the happiest person in the whole world, I guarantee you that. I'm waiting for that day to come. You will be drowned in my kisses and hugs.


I love you Nek.

Labels: | 8 tissues

Kak Ano,

8:29 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan


janganlah sakit pulak. Adik sedih ni :(
kita kena kuat utk nenek and atuk.
they need us.

Labels: | 4 tissues

angels

9:38 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

i didn't have much fun today. today, i felt like a felon committing something so bad i feel like turning back time. i didn't sleep with my Grandma last night. i should've.


she was terribly sick :(


so i tried to make amends by taking care of her the whole day. put drama assignment, japanese and educational psychology aside, i sat on the chair, occasionally dozing off cause i watched her from subuh. she looked so weak and frail. several times she would wake up and ask for a drink or that she wanted to vomit. for the first time, i didn't scrunch up my face or ran away at the sight of someone vomiting. i didn't feel anything. i just kept rubbing her back, trying to ease the pain.


you see, i've lived all my life with my grandparents. my family lives with them. so our bond is close. i love what i have. i cherish it every day. as i grow up, i try not to hurt their feelings as they're the ones who gave me shelter, food, everything actually. even after class, when my friends ask me whether i want to go buy food at the Makcik Longkang, (dia tak kotor tau! just stall dia kat longkang. makanan dia sgt sedap. pls don't get me wrong) i would feel guilty knowing my Grandma is waiting for me to eat with her.


i eat a lot. more than i should. more than a girl should. 2,3 helpings at a time. but she loves it. she loves the fact that i'm not starving and seeing me eat like that, makes her want to eat more too. selera. i make her happy. the fact that i make her happy makes me happy triple the amount of her happiness. sayang sgt.


she had never been this sick. even she said so. she talked though, well muttered words we couldn't understand. me and my mother exchanged looks. "She's a bit delirious. pening kan."


"Tu la," i said, with a poker face when actually i felt sad. i hope she'll talk normally when she gets better nanti.


the funny thing is, well not so funny, my Grandpa is sick too. i guess they are soulmates. or the fact that they sleep together in the same room and berjangkit. duhh nashrah.


my Grandpa was diagnosed with pneumonia on Tues. he had been coughing nonstop and had a fever. he's getting better Alhamdulillah. but i received news today that he has dengue. aiyayai. pelik sgt. my Grandma was admitted this afternoon. i felt sad about sending her to the hospital, knowing that i can't watch over her. i want to, but exam's not over. wish they are.


now both my grandparents are in the same room, both sick and weak. i am worried, can't deny that. they're in the same condition they were before. i can't think straight but i'll try my best to study, or at least do the drama assignment. i know Allah will help them both, not instantly but insyaAllah gradually.


tomodachis, if your loved ones are sick or not in a good condition, take really good care of them. do it wholeheartedly and sincerely. remember they have had done something good for you, now is the time for you to do something for them. don't neglect or think "haish menyusahkan je org tua ni". dosanya sgt besar. i don't know what exactly you will get for doing that but i know heaven will not be the place for you.


pray for them yeah? they're my angels. domo arigato.



Labels: | 10 tissues

oh ganbatte ne!

7:26 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

I know it is a bit late now due to my sucky internet connection but I'll wish you guys anyway because I love each one of you readers and nak bagi semangat sikit.

good good luck for finals!
mari kita bersama-sama berusaha utk mendptkan result yang terbaik dan attend the Dean's List dinner next semester :)


here's a little bit of Takuya Kimura for yah

| 5 tissues

3:24 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan





"Just do your best, do everything you can
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say"
-Jimmy Eat World, The Middle




Labels: |

saje-saje

4:03 PM achoo-ed by Nashrah Khan

after a few weeks of enduring ice-cream cravings, 31st October had finally arrived! Ma went to Baskin, bought a few pints of ice-cream, and I immediately stabbed (literally) my spoon into jamoca and mint choc chip. ah it was heaven. lebih-lebih lagi masa heatwave skrg ni. alhamdulillah!




(grinning intensely. oww sakit.)


| 4 tissues

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